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| Author | Jokes |
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Handling teens
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace. | | hahaha thats a good one :) | Things Mom Taught Me...
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."
And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!" | | nice | | magicboy, i didnt know they are international.. | I flattened your cat
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!" | | Made me remember my old time favourite: CHANGE: "Dont make dumb faces at me or you will stay that way." | | lol | | lol | my story :- was about how italian can't talk english correctly (no offence :D)
in the bracket is how the sound like the italian says....
this story was about an italy man, vacation to America. stay in a hotel...
while brekfast:-
Italy man : i want two pieces of pizzas on my plate....
the waiter server the italian with 1 piece of pizza only....
Italy man : i said, i want two pieces(to pees)
Waiter : Then, go to toilet...
Italy man : i want two pieces(to pees) on my plate...
Waiter : WTH, you such a son of b*tch to pees on the plate
Italy man : sorry, but my father is not beach. you got wrong people.
while dinner:-
Italy man : Waiter, can i have a fork(f**k)
Waiter : go find room and a girl
Italy man : i want a fork(f**k) near my plate
Waiter : you start it again, little b*tch.
Italy man : what so special about beach?
when gonna sleep:-
Italy man : maid, i need a sheet(shit)
Maid : shit??!!!, [the maid thought he want to defecate] just go to toilet
Italy man : i want sheet(shit) on my bed
Maid : just defecate there....
Italy man : peace(pees) for you
Maid : eat your sheet.
Italy man : i hope it tasty
BACK TO HOME:-
mom : welcome back, how your vacation there
italy man : not so much, everyone want me to go to toilet and talk about beach... anyway, who is beach?
The End | for mr-lord
good one | | haha ^^ | | haha #10 really funny | Here are a few,
I have two daughters, they are both girls.
Draw a straight circle.
I will open the door and throw you out the window.
Get a piece of rope any length of 5 cm.
How to make a foolish person's day:
Show him a circular room and tell him to sit in a corner
OR
Write P.T.O on both sides of a paper and give it to him/her. | 2 more stories....
this was about 3 vampire :-
vampire A : how about we make competition, who got most blood will win.
vampire B : ok, you first
vampire A go to a places and come back, seen was a little blood on his mouth.
vampire B : how does you get that much blood???
vampire A : if you can see the nearby house, all the people in it, i suck their blood
Vampire B go find his prey, he come back with full of blood on his mouth
Vampire C : wow, you got so much blood this day..
Vampire B : my luck...
Vampire C start find his prey too, when come back all his faces was full of blood
vampire A and B was so shock...
vampire A : wow how did you get so much blood???!!
vampire C : you see the wall, I struck.
THE END
2nd stories...
this story was about a detective, go into a mortuaries.
there, he found a weird old dead man, it was smiling to him
Detective : hey guards, why this dead was smiling to me..
Guards : he likes you.
detective : likes me?
surgeons : you don't need to ask the noob
guards : who noobs?
surgeons : the dustbin.... and about the smiling dead, it was behind this story, the old man was in a council, when there was a thunder flash, the old man thought it as camera flash, so he smile, so that was the end of his life.
detective : nice one, he has happy ending.
THE END | Italy man went to malta:
Actually this joke is much better to hear than read. :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1TnzCiUSI0 | | you just lost the game | Italy man went to malta:
Actually this joke is much better to hear than read. :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1TnzCiUSI0
True, they typed one wasn't correct and didn't do it justice. | --Husband's Great Gift--
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
--Looking Good--
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
--Farting All The Time--
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test." | this is challenge between 3 hawks to finde out who is the best in hunting:
the first launches and comes back with some blood on his face the others said"what is that all about" he said" did you see that pole i ate a rabbit there
second hawk launches he come back with blood all over his face all said"what did you hunt" he said " do you the farm there i ate a sheep there"
the third launches and comes back with bllod and meat and every thing on his face all the other were suprised and said"what happened" he replied"do you see the road sign overe there" they said " yes" he said"well.i didn`t!!" |
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