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| Author | who got jokes? |
|---|
Tell us a funny story, skit, or joke. Whatever is funny or in my case, attempt to be funny...
oh yeah before I forget, don't forget to keep it as clean as possible and follow the forum rules plz.
What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
Nothin ya haven't told her twice.
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Whats grosser than gross? When you sit on your grandpas lap and he pops a boner.
Whats grosser than that? When you sit on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.
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A man is walkin down the street when he passes a store sellin baked beans. He loves baked beans but he gets really bad gas so he promised his wife he would not eat them.
man "well, just this one time, shes at work anyways" he says
So he eats not one,not two but three huge bowls of baked beans.
After this he goes straight home not expecting his wife to be there waiting for him,
Wife "Honey where have you been?"
All he could do was stand there and look bewildered. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a blindfold and says,
"Put this on, I have a surprise for you!"
He puts it on and she double checks to make sure he can't see.
She grabs him by the hand and pulls him towards the kitchen where she has him sit on a stool.
Wife "ok, I'll be right back" and she hurries off.
About this time he's feelin the urge and man he can't hold it. So he leans a bit off the stool and lets is rip. Pffffft.
Man " Oh, oh, thats kinda bad." he begins to fan the back of himself in hopes of it clearing before she gets there. A few seconds later however he lets another one go, PFFFFFTT! This one made him come up off his chair slightly and oh man did it reek! He's fanning away as best he can till finally it clears but then........
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTT!!!!Ptpt*t
The mother of all air bisquits "OH-MY-GAWD!!!" the man exclaims.
"Honey," the wife says in a concerned tone from another room,"you ok?"
Man " Yeah!!! Everythings fine! Take your time!"
She doesn't say anything back but he knows she'll be there soon. In your life you've probably never seen a man windmill his hands so fast. So hes workin it for at least 2 minutes. He hears his wifes footsteps drawing closer. He peeps out his blindfold in front of him and sees an aerosal spray "Eureka!" he thinks to himself as he quickly refits the blindfold back completly over his eyes and begins to spray away.
His wife comes up and takes the blindfold off him.
Wife "Happy Birthday!!!"
She turns him around on the stool to see all of his friends and family gathered behind him the whole time. | Okay here is 1:
One day morning:
Teacher:Good morning student.
Student:Good morning teacher.
Teacher:Today I m going to teach opposite of each words.Okay,when I said a word say the opposite meaning of the word okay?
Teach(I call teacher teach by now):Powerful
Std(Student):Weak
Teach:Head.
Std:Tail.
Teach:Brilliant.
Std:Idiot.
Teach:Big
Std:Small
After an hour,the teacher take a look at her clock.She had to attend a meeting.
Teach:Stand up.(In malaysia,teacher ussually ask students to stand up and said Thanks you before going)
Std:Sit down.
Teach:I said stand up or you all will be punish!
Std:You said sit down or we will be rewarded!
Teach:Why are you all so stupid?
Std:Why are we so smart?
Teacher begin to lose her patience.
Teach:You get punished,then you know do not play a fool.
Std:We get rewarded,then we know do work seriously!
The teacher walk out the class silencely. | TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
______________ ___________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher | This is a joke that most singaporeans and malaysians will understand, but of course other people might understand it too
=)
An Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10 he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 -eleven. Next day I called my
boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 . | I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
........................................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
.......................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
........................................................................
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
........................................................................
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
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Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
........................................................................
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
........................................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
........................................................................
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
........................................................................
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
........................................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
........................................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
........................................................................
'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep
........................................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
........................................................................
'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk
........................................................................
'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours
........................................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn. | | In my first combat against a player i tried to kill his hero/lord instead of killing his creatures,this is not less than a joke :) | newspaper boy:Knock Knock
grumpy old man:Who's there
newspaper boy:boo
grumpy old man:boo who
newspaper boy:boo hoo why u cryin
hehe | 1:
Micheal Jackson
2:
Machaoshu
Rest:
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should've just said, 'Yeah.'"
When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long
Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here. | | I use to get high on life, but then I developed a tolerance | Weed cures all,
that is just a fact
i wonderd why the baseball was getting bigger,
then it hit me
micheal jackson
machaoshu
thoose are 4 more jokes XD | well i dun think much wud get this joke .. =) since at speech mode more funny ..
ok here goes .
Boy: hi teach
Teach: what is ABC ! ??
Boy: i dunno
Teach ask ur parents or ur family ..
As he did ^^
Dad was working
Boy: dad what is ABC
Dad: Shut up and do ur homework !
Mum was massaging
Boy: mum what is ABC
Mum: very comfortable " getting sleepy "
Sister was singing this song ' Gila Babi like to eat Sh!t !
Boy: sis wat is ABC ?
Sis: Gila Babi like to eat Sh!t ! ...(she continued on the song)
Grandpa was playing computer games
Boy: grandpa what is ABC
Grandpa: please be quiet ! ill buy u a sweet ltr
Grandma was cooking
Boy: Grandma what is ABC ?
Grandma : ( very noisy .. she cud not here anything ) Go away and ill buy u sweet ...
he went to school
Boy : hi teach
Teach: What is ABC ?!?!
Boy: Shut up and do your homework ! (fathers speach )
Teach : Go to the headmaster's office now !
Boy: ok lar .. so comfortables . *yawn*
He reached the room .. * knock knock *
Headmaster = hm
Hm: Come in , teach said u were fooling in class .. is this true ? Now what is ABC !?!?
Boy: Gila Babi like to eat Sh!t
Hm: Here u go ! * smack *
Boy: so comfortable .. now go away and ill buy u sweet ,
Shit Shutup and Manners
oldest brother was named Shut up
2nd was manners
3rd was shit
one day tthey went to the shopping centre . shit got lost . manners went to the toilet . shut up went to report to the police .
Shut up : hi im here to report .
Police: wats ur name ?
Shut up: my name is .. SHUT UP .
Police : where are your manners
Shutup : in the toilet .
Police: Where are ur parents ?
Shutup: looking for Shit ..
L0L | | for Im_a_noob:OMG that is so similar to wat my friend told me today....similar but not the same :D | I hear that many times.Both the 1st are ussually using fouls words or porno.Anyway for foreign:
Gila Babi like to eat Sh!t !
Gila Babi = Crazy Pig. | | ya i know but its jokes | A man never knows true happiness until he gets married....
but by then its too late. | "Bueaty is in the eyes of the beholder... sucks for blind people dont it?"
-me ^.^
"Beuaty is in the eyes of the beholder, hence my new eye collection."
-also me... how do u spell beauty
"Wow thats a pritty dim brightside..."
-Ctrlaltdel-online.com | Drugs dont kill people
Side effects do
Weed cures all
this is still just a fact...
If you can’t convince them, confuse them
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
I didnt attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Studying: take the S-T-U off and its just dying
An apple a day keeps the docter away
but if the doctors cute screw the fruit.
Bowling balls are like ores (guess the last word)
you pick them up and finger them
throw them into the gutter
and they come back for more.. | there is a chinese man who don't know english, he went to England.
One day, when he was jogging, he saw an accident happened! He wanted to call police. The police said:"Hello, what has happened?", the man suddenly don't know how to say! After one minute, he said:"One car come, one car go, two car ping pong piang together."lol |
An apple a day keeps the docter away
but if the doctors cute screw the fruit. LOL | knock knock
who's there?
sh!t
sh!t who?
sh!t you
O.O :P
Very Shocking.... . This is a real story of a young college girl who passed away last month in Penang . Her name was Ai Ling. She was hit by a truck.She was working in a call center. She had a boy friend named Tony. Both of them were true lovers. They always talked on the phone. She used to be never found without her handphone. In fact she also changed her network from Maxis to Digi, so that both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost.
Even when Tony left overseas to finish his masters, they constantly kept in touch. She used to spend half of the day talking with Tony. Ai Ling's family knew about their relationship.. Tony was very close to Ai Ling's family as well. (Justimagine their love) . Before she passed away she always told her friends 'If I pass away please burn me with my handphone' she also said the same thing to her parents.
After her death, people couldn't carry her body, A lot of them tried to do so, but still cant everybody that had tried to carry the body, the results were the same. Eventually, they called a person known to one of their neighbors, who can speak with the soul of dead person and who was a friend of her father. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said 'this girl misses something here.' Then her friends told that person about her intentions to burn her with her phone. He then opened the grave box and place her phone and sim card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the body. It was then moved easily and they then carried her into the van. All of us were shocked.
Ai Ling's parents did not inform Tony that Ai Ling had passed away as they're waiting for him to come home after his graduation.. After 2 weeks Tony returned and called Ai Ling's mom....... Tony:....'Aunty, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Don't tell Ai Ling that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her.' Her mother replied..... 'come home first, I wanna tell you something very important.' After he came, they told him the truth about Ai Ling. Tony thinks that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said 'don't try to fool me - tell Ai Ling to come out, I have a gift for her... Please stop this nonsense'. Then they show him the original death certificate to him. They gave him proof to make him believe.
(Tony started to sweat) He said... 'Its not true. We spoke yesterday.. She still calls me. Tony was shaking. Suddenly, Tony's phone rang. 'see this is from Ai Ling, see this....' he showed the phone to Ai Ling's family. all of them told him to answer. he talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation. It is the actual voice of Ai Ling & there is no way others could use her sim card since it is nailed inside the grave box! They were so shocked and asked for the same person's (who can speak with the soul of dead persons) help again. He brought his master to solve this matter. He & his master worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing which really shocked them....
***Digi*** 'I will follow you!!!' |
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