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The (not so) Great Escape

AuthorThe (not so) Great Escape
This is a second part of the already told story "Epic tale of a prison present"

Now that I finished this little errand for Arctic, I can finally get out of here. I suppose I can go back the same way I got in. I will just sell some story to the bone dragon about how I need more tools and manpower. Let’s just hope that those zombies still didn’t figure out how to get brains from a tree. This calls for a Plan D.
Plan D
Go downstairs, find my old clothes and escape the same way I got in

This is very big prison, but l managed to remember the way. I go downstairs and into the chamber where I hid my clothes. It is behind a big rock. Now I have to pick them up, and finally get out of this hooker clothes, although my legs look really good in these high hill boots and in a dress.

Wait a minute… Where are my clothes? I know I hid it right here. Crap. I can’t go out like this. How will I explain to dragon why am I dressed like a hooker? I can’t even run in these shoes.

That freaking ghost! He must have taken it! That perverted transparent bastard. What the hell does he wants with my clothes?

“You are probably wandering where are your clothes, aren’t you little missy?” ghost appear out of nowhere.
“You bastard!!! Where are my clothes?! Why did you took them?!”
“Calm down, you will mess up your hair. I helped you get to Arctic, now you will have to return the favor.”
“I should have known that there was a catch. But why should I listen to you? You said that nobody will bother me dressed like this. I could go on the front door.”
“Hahahaha!” he laughed with chilling sound that only ghost can produce. “Nobody will bother you while you’re in the prison. If you try to get out… well that’s another story. Prisons are made to keep people in. Don’t expect that you can just walk out.”
Damn it, his right. I’m stuck in this prison as a prostitute.
“Ok, what did you had in mind?”
“Well, I need you to carry my vendetta on vampire guards. I hate vampires.”Ghost has obvious issues.
“Ok, but what do you need me for? I’m not vampire.”
“They like to play a card game with hookers who come here. A strip two tower game. Muahahaha”
“Hell no! You want me to play a strip two tower game with bunch of horny bloodsuckers? Hell no!”
“Oh come on. What are you, a man or a little girl? I want you to take their pants to humiliate them and then I want you to kill them, so they can die in shame. I will help you. I will be invisible behind them, so you will know what cards they have. Besides it’s not like you have too many options. Its ether this or spend the rest of your life as a hooker in jail.”
“Crap! Why am I in this situation? The plan with the catapult sounded so simple. Wait a second. Did you tampered with my catapult?! Is that the reason why I missed so badly?”
“No, I didn’t touch your catapult. It’s just girls like you are bad marksmen.”
“Ok, damn it. I will do it. And I expect my clothes back after this. And stop telling me I’m a girl, you bastard.”

Plan D – Fail!
I followed the ghost to the part of the prison with vampire guards. It has no windows but it seemed a little bit cleaner. The ghost showed me a room where I should go and then he disappeared. I entered the room with a table in the middle and with three vampires sitting around it. They are playing cards and obviously arguing.

“What the hell are you doing Blade?! We said no cheating!” said the pale, younger looking vampire.
“I’m not cheating, you’re the one who cheats. I should cut off your head, Edward!” responded the black vampire.
“Chill out guys. It’s just a friendly game, we are not playing for money.” said the fat, bald vampire.
“Shut up, Bob!!” Blade and Edward shouted to the third vampire.
So, these are the guys I’m supposed to play strip card game. Well they look just like any ordinary vampires. Except that Bob fellow. I thought that all vampires get good looks and great strength after the transformation. So why is the Bob so different? Well I guess it doesn’t matter. All that matters is winning.

Plan E
Win the card game, get my clothes and get the hell out of here.

Edward looked at me: “Well, well, well, who do we have here? It seems we have another lady lost in this big nasty place.”
“Lady? That’s the ugliest bitch I ever saw!” said Blade. “Though she has nice legs.”
“True, she is a little bit… ugly as a dog, but we should be nice to her. Make her feel more comfortable. Blade, get some booze out of the stash. We’re gonna have a party.” Edward responded with a big smile on his face.
“I think she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen” said Bob, while drooling.
Man, he must really be horny, or very high, or just weird, when he thinks that I’m beautiful woman. Now I just have to pretend that I’m a woman and finish this as fast as I can.
“So boys, what kind of a party did you have in mind?” I asked with a very high girly voice.
“We like to play cards, and when a lady as yourself come by, we like to play strip two towers game. Hahahaha”
“Strip two towers game? I don’t even know how to play. Will one of you big boys show me how to play?” what the hell am I doing? I even act like a slut. This is so wrong.
Bob jumped off the chair and yelled with enthusiasm: “I will! I will!”
“Sit down, Bob!!” yelled the other two vampires. “Why are you all of a sudden so excited? You never looked so horny for the other hookers we had here. Did you finally change your mind?”
.Edward turn to me: “Don’t worry, honey. You will learn as we play.”
I sit down and Blade deals the cards.
“We all have 6 cards. We play until the deck is finished. Cards for destroying the tower are used for all towers. The person with lowest tower have to take off one of his-hers piece of clothes.” Blade set out the rules.
I just realized something. This hooker outfit has very few pieces and I’m already half naked. If I lose 5 times I will be naked with only my underwear. That crazy ghost better help me.
“Don’t worry” ghost whispered in to my ear. “They cheat, but we will cheat too.”

As I look at the vampires I see several cards flying out of their pockets. It seems that ghost is preventing them from cheating. This will be good. They didn’t even notice. First game Edward lost. He was very angry but he took off his shoe. Second game I lost. The boot is gone. Third game Bob lost. He seemed very happy and the first thing he took off was his shirt. His belly is even larger without shirt and his boobs are bigger than those of that topples shrew. I can now see where his hair from his head went. His back and stomach are covered in hair. That image is burning my eyes. I will have nightmares after this. I better make sure Bob never loses. He is already preparing to take off his pants over his shoes. This is gonna be long night.

After several games I lost my boots and stockings and I’m left with only a dress. Blade and Edward lost their shoes, socks, neckties and hats. And Bob lost only his shirt, but he is impatient to lose his pants too.
Plan F
Kill them all, take their clothes and run to the exit.

I forfeit the game. All three of them started cheering and yelling to take my close off. Well no turning back now. I take my dress off and suddenly silence occurs.

“What is this?! You are a dude?” Edward breaks the silence.
“What the hell is going on? I wanted a candy girl, and here I get a candy boy…” I don’t even know what Blade meant by this but I don’t really care.
“I knew it you are a man, I just knew it. I had a feeling this is my lucky night.” Said Bob, still looking very horny.

Wait a moment. Bob is gay. He is a fat, bald, gay vampire. What the hell…? Now I understand why were the other two vampires surprised when they saw Bob so excited.

I can’t allow myself to become surprised, now when I have them off guard. I quickly grab Blade’s sword from the table and stab him right in his hurt. Blood started gushing out of the wound… This isn’t vampire’s blood… This is human blood. He is just a human.

I quickly turn to Edward and stab him the same way. He is human also. They are just pretending that they are vampires. Now Bob makes sense to me. There is no way that vampire could be fat, ugly, bold and gay (ok maybe he can be gay).

As I turn to Bob to finish him too, he quickly turn to bat and try to fly away. But he’s too heavy and falls to the ground.

“What’s going on?! You ARE a vampire.” I said in all the confusion.
Bob turns back to human form and said: “Of course I’m a vampire. What did you think I am?”
“But those two weren’t vampires. How come you are?”
“They are just vampire trainees. They are under my care and when the time comes, I would be the one to turn them in to vampires. Well that’s never gonna happen now.”
Now I was really surprised: “So they are just posers, vampire wannabe? And you are the real vampire? But, if you were their master, why did they you let them treat you like that?”
“Well, there aren’t too many candidates who want to be my pupils. Ok, except them there are no one who wants to be turn in to a vampire by me. They are afraid that they will become gay.”
“No, I think it’s because no one wants their blood sucked by an ugly guy like you… arr … I mean, it’s their loss.”
“Are you going to kill me now? Why did you attack us anyway?” he asked.
“I made a deal with some crazy ghost…”
“I’m not crazy, girly, and you’re supposed to take their pants first and then kill them!” ghost appeared out of thin air.
“Jack? You are behind all of this? But why?” it seems that Bob and the ghost know each other.
“You mean you don’t know?! All this time I tried to play strip two towers game with you guys and you never let me!” Jack replayed with anger.
“Because you don’t have any clothes, you idiot ghost!!!” Bob yelled. It seems that this discussion wasn’t the first these gays had.
“It’s not my fault I’m dead. Cut me some slack, we can bend the rules a little bit…” Jack was persistent.
“It’s a strip card game, if you don’t have anything to strip, then it’s pointless.” Bob replayed.

As I notice that their little discussion will never end and I really have to get out of here, I decided to intervene.

“Listen guys, I don’t care about your dispute. I just want to get out of here. So Bob, I’m sorry but you have to die.”
“Wait, wait, I can help you get out of here!” Bob yelled.
“How can you help me?”
“I will give you some new clothes and I will show you where you can leave the prison without anybody noticing.”
“Wow, really? That’s great. So how can I leave?”
“There is a secret tunnel that leads from the prison kitchen to the tavern in the nearby village. We are using it to smuggle booze in to the prison. Go straight through this corridor until you reach guard’s cafeteria. Go through the door into the kitchen. Behind the big drape will be a whole in the wall. After that it’s easy. Here is some Edward’s clothes, he won’t need them anymore.”
“Hey, you didn’t kill him!” Jack tried to stop me. “You said you’re going to kill th
Plan G
Go through the secret tunnel to freedom

As I left Bob was looking a little bit sad. And he definitely was checking my ass. Pervy vampire. Good thing I’m finally leaving. After all of this there can’t be any more distractions

Finally I’m in front of the cafeteria’s door. I just need to reach the kitchen and I’m home free.

“Hey boy… What are you doing here?”

I heard a deep voice behind me. What now? I’m almost free. Slowly I turn around and I see the one person I didn’t want to see in this prison. Lord Feurlis! What the hell is he doing here?

“I’m… arrr… I’m aaaaa…”
“Well speak up. Why are you so nervous?”
He must have come to eat. Even necromancers have to eat. This gives me an idea.
“Well, I’m a new cook, my lord. I’m on my way to the kitchen.”
This will work. I slowly turn around…
“So you are the new cook… I hope you are better than the last one who cooked only crapy food. There was tone of times I wanted to kill him, fry him and eat him. It would be better than the stuff he made.”
“Of course, sire. That’s why I’m here:”
“Do you know how to make fry rotten flesh in eyeball souse? I really could go for one of those.”
“Wha… o of course.” What is this guy eating? I’m sick just hearing about this.
“What about snake guts with harry legs of the poisonous spider? Mmmm, I’m getting hungry just by thinking about it.”
I’m getting sick just by thinking about it.
“Oh, I know what I’ll eat today. I want for appetizer: sweat glands of the Behemoth fried in the troll fat…”
Oh, my God…
“Then I would like some stinking feet soup…
I’m gonna vomit…
“For the main course I would like baked rotten hellhorse flesh with boiled minotaur hoof on the side…”
I can’t take it anymore. I quickly run to the kitchen and in to ma freedom…
“Wait I didn’t tell you what I want for desert…”

Like I’m gonna stay and listen to that crap. I had enough. I want out. There it is, whole in the wall. i just need to travel through tunnel and into the tavern. And I’m free.

Finally the tavern’s door. I open it and I’m in a kitchen of the tavern. I’m out. I’m free. Tavern looks deserted. As a matter of fact all village is deserted. Now I remember. This is the village where I gathered brains. Well I don’t care anymore. I finished my mission.

What is this poster on the wall of the tavern? “Arctic is free”. What the hell. I did all this for Arctic and he is released right the next day. He left prison even before me. That’s it, I’ll never do this again. One time is enough.

Plan G – Success!
Is there a limit to how many words one post can handle? I just saw that I lost several lines of text.

end of post #3

“What is wrong with you? Why do you lose on purpose?” ghost whispered. He became suspicious.

This is it. Bob has the losing hand and if I don’t do anything he will take off his pants. I don’t want to see what is behind his pants. No man, elf, orc, demon or undead should ever see the thing behind Bob’s pants. I have to lose on purpose. I have to take off my dress in front of 3 horny vampires. It will surprise them and I can overpower them. No other choice. The deal is that I have to kill them anyway so at least I will accomplish half of the deal. And they can’t tell anybody if they’re dead (well dead dead, not undead). If the ghost doesn’t like it and doesn’t give me my clothes back I will just take guard’s clothes. And I will think of something to tell the dragon.

Plan E – Epic Fail!
Damn, i better make another thread. Sorry for the mistake.
closed by Lord DrMr (2010-12-20 17:33:59)
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