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The Chronicles of Brohamm

AuthorThe Chronicles of Brohamm
The Cronicles of Brohamm

Depp under the trapdor of the ominous keep, a ghastly whale could be heard. Brock Hammock was hired by the

guards to find out the source as he was an amazing chef and Queen's personal adventurer. So on went Brock to

gather supplies for his not so long journey to the depths of some trapdoor.


Since humanity has existed, before tools or buildings were even ideas, the trapdoor had existed. It is forever

untouched due to the whale. No living creature has ever overcome the fear of what may be down the trapdoor.



"Yellah!!!" exclaimed Brock.

Brock always had issues getting his sparkling sunshine to actually sparkle like sunshine. He just ate too

healthily. Everyone he knew told him he had to eat like his demented cousin Thunder if he wanted his to be

unpure and yellah. To Brock HIS bland, clear urine was the unpure type, but he was very stubborn with his diet.

Once Brock had gathered his supplies he skipped onwards to the keep that sheltered the trapdoor. He knocked on

the keep door, expecting some guy to open it or something.

"DING" said some bell.

Brock stood, chin up, completely unwavered by the sound of a bell chime. He wasn't sure where it came from, but

decided to wait for someone to let him in.

After waiting five hours, Brock smashed the door down using his ballin mace known as "Anton". Its handle was

carved into the shape of a finely tuned snowman, perfect for a human hand, while its head, a lump of metal in

the shape of fish's head. Fine detailed metalwork was not the only thing going for Anton though. One eye of the

fish head housed a compass. The other eye used to house something very dear to Brock, however that was lost

during the "Chazr Daemonium Riots".

As Brock's mace scraped the stone floor, a voice slithered out of the darkness of the keep.

"You must be Brock, I've heard you are the man that can withstand a thousand batons. Please end the whale once

and for all. None of us can sleep with it going on and on, down in that trapdoor".

"Shazam, I am your man. I deliver the goods, and pound those hoods" said Brock in an almost songlike manner.

A horse appeared out of the darkness and troddled towards a door.

"Mister Brock, I urge you to follow my horse, he will guide you to your destination." said the guy.

"K buddy" said Brock.

Brock followed the horse to the other room. In the corner of the room was a trapdoor that had no visible handle.

"Yo horse, open that for me." said Brock.

"Nah mate, just smash it up with Anton, it's kinda the reason noone ever went in the damn thing. Too much bloody

effort since there's no handle." the horse explained.

Brock whipped out Anton and heaved him over his head, smashing down onto the trapdoor. Brock suddenly flew back

against the wall with a loud crack, as his ribs split apart. The trapdoor was completely in-tact. Brock was

flabbergasted by the outcome of his heavy swing. Brock had a plan though. He called about his demented cousin

Thunder to aid him.

"Now Thunder, what you need to do is, is stand on top of the trapdoor and wear this helmet" said Brock.

Thunder did as he said. Brock then smashed Anton onto Thunder's helmet, causing the force of his blow to travel

through Thunder and into the trapdoor. As expected the trapdoor attempted to throw thunder in the opposite

direction of the force. This caused thunder to be crushed into a pancake between Anton and the trapdoor.

"I've created you this delicious pancake breakfast as a token of my appreciation for you on this day, Trapdoor

Day" said Brock, with a giant smirk.

"You've touched me brave man. What be thy name?" said the trapdoor.

"My name? Hah! It's Brock Hammock, surely you've heard of it?" said Brock.

"Nah bruh. I haven't. For your truely heartwarming efforts, I shall bless you with a name of ages. You will from
now forth be known as, "Brohamm", see what I did there? Ha." said the trapdoor.

"Yes, it's amazing! Incorporating both of my names to create the ultimate name for a superstar like myself! I
will now be known as BROHAMM!" said Brock, screaming his name at the top of his lungs.

After several minutes of gossip with the trapdoor, Brock headed down, treading new grounds/ladders. There it
was. The touch of solid earth beneath his foot. The whale was even louder than he imagined, but nothing would


To be continued...
Part 2

Brock lowered himself fully to the ground and promptly rotated himself to see what lie down the trapdoor. While turning a voice boomed from above.

“Burrrrrrk! Feeeed meeee!!”

Brock was all up in his grill before fully turning around, staring at the muddy ceiling and shaking his fist.

“That's not my name ya bastard! I am... !BROHAMM! and don't think I'll be feeding you anything but Anton's delicious lips!” yelled Brock.

Content with his manly outburst, Brock continued turning around until he could clearly see a giant mushroom smoking a pipe. Brock attempted to meet eyes with the mushroom, although in vain due to the mushroom not having a set of eyes. Brock took a step towards the mushroom but was halted by a strange sensation. On his left shoulder he felt something. He quickly grabbed at it and spun around. A floating pipe hovered before him.

“What?!?!. You aren't a jelly or slime or something?” said Brock, in a confused state.

“You are correct. I am no jelly. I know you were expecting the first creature you encounter to be a Jelly, as in every RPG you've played, but I am as you can quite clearly see, a very good looking pipe.” said the pipe.

“Hah, you can't trick me. You're actually that mushroom over there, controlling a bunch of pipes to do your bidding.” said Brock.

“No, that mushroom is being smoked by my friend Coon over there.” said the Pipe.

“Yo buddeh. I'm da Coon.” said Coon, seemingly unchanged from his position on the mushroom.

Brock paced in a circle for a while as Coon and the other pipe explained to Brock exactly where he was. It turned out that the pipes are a race of magical beings created by dwarves before dwarves even existed. They told Brock he wouldn't understand how that was possible, but to think of it as a chicken vs. egg type deal. The pipes were sealed away in this very trapdoor by a crafty demon named Pablo, as the dwarven armies were unstoppable if united with the pipes. Pablo then removed all knowledge of the pipes from existence using the combined power of the pipes that he siphoned off from them and since then the pipes have been but a forgotten key to ending the turmoil the world is so invested in.

“Brock, now that you are familiar with my people, and our history, I will reveal my name. I am known as Bananabeard. I was named after my rare colour of yellow. Only one in ten thousand pipes have my colour.” said Bananabeard.

“A suitable name for a grand pipe like yourself Bananabeard.” said Brock.

And with that, Bananabeard and Brock shared stories of their past, bonding together for hours. During this time Bananabeard explained that only a Dwarf can smoke one of his kind and use his powers. Any other race will suffer an excruciating death, brought about by mild haemorrhoids and magical jackhammers.

“I like you Bananabeard. Ah ya know what, I'll just call ya Banana for short. I best be off to stop this darn whale. It's hurting my ears like no other.” said Brock.

“I'm not sure you want to venture too deeply my friend. My entire people entered there, some of us not risking it obviously. We've heard back from noone in all of these centuries.” said Banana.

“Screw that, I'll go bust some balls up if I have to, nothing scares me and my Anton.” said Brock, spinning Anton around like a yo-yo.

“There's something about you, could be your pecs. But you make me want to go get killed with you. Brock, if you will allow it I want to go with you, be your companion you know?” said Banana.

“Yeah buddy!!!!!” yelled Brock.

Together Brock, Banana and Anton got off their asses and began treading towards the tunnel that would take them to somewhere never gone by man before. The tunnel was just a cut out of solid rock. Along the walls there grew glowing natural teacups with what seemed to be lava inside of them.

“Those things on the wall collect the blood of dead orphans from the surface, due to orphan blood absorbing light very easily and store it to ma
make a sort of natural cave light.” said Banana.

“Orphan blood absorbs light easier?” questioned Brock.

“Yes, most people just think all of the light is sucked out of their lives but it's just their type of blood that absorbs it all and thus their lives are terrible and dark.” said Banana.

With Banana floating by him, slightly filled with the orphan blood to act as a light, eventually Brock found a wooden door blocking his way. The problem was, Banana didn't notice it at all and was attempting to walk straight through it. Cursing at the fact that he was hitting an invisible wall for three minutes straight. Brock explained the existence of the door and attempted to open it.
Part 3

Brock touched the door with his hand and it disintegrated.

“I was expecting it to be a talking door and give me some riddles or something.” said Brock, casually picking his nose.

“I was expecting to be able to walk in a straight line without hitting an invisible door, ya know? Back in earlier times my people spoke of such phenomena. It seemed the demon Pablo used these to seal us in this place, though I'm not sure how previous pipes got around this.” said Banana.

Brock shrugged and walked through the door, being careful, half expecting to find some sort of invisible floating acid pool.

“I see it!” exclaimed Banana.

“Wah?! Am I in it? Ahhhh my skin!!!! Ah... Hm... You have peaked my interest as to what you have found my dear friend Banana.” said Brock.

Banana sighed and poured the orphan blood collected inside himself onto what looked like a dinner plate. The plate was just lying on the ground and in perfect condition.

“Aint that handy dandy.” said Banana.

“Why'd ya do that Banana? We'll need that if we wanna be able to see in this bloody place.” said Brock.

Banana began to explain as strange sensations shot through Brock's body.

“That is correct Brock, but have you not noticed? We've stumbled into something far more dangerous than darkness. Whatever it is, you'll need to fill me up with something flammable and qui-”

Banana was cut off as a small figure appeared out of the darkness, staring at the plate housing the orphan blood and then looking Brock in the eyes.

“Ello there cutie, need some company for the night? I'm just dying to spend some one-on-one with a handsome devil like yourself.” said the figure.

Brock could easily make out the features of the strange creature thanks to the glow of the blood. It was shaped like a peach, but had little arms and legs and dome shaped head. Though, the most intriguing feature was the metal lips.

“So uh, you really think those metal lips go well with your profession?” said Brock mockingly.

“Step back brudduh, you really want to anger me? Madam Doom!?” said the creature.

Brock stood there for a moment contemplating whether he should just flop out Anton and squish the creature. Before he could come to a conclusion the creature jumped into the orphan's blood. Instantly the creature begun to grow in size, its metal lips baring sharp metal teeth.

“YOUR TIME HAS COME. You've had your chance to fulfil my needs and now you will know the deepest darkest hell imaginable.” said Madam Doom.

Banana quickly flew to Brock, nudging on his shirt and urging him to rip off a piece and stuff it into him. Brock had no idea why Banana wanted to do this, but he had no choice, due to the huge metal lips moving closer, cornering him up against a wall.

“Yes, that's it Brock, just a little more!” urged Banana.

After Banana was stuffed with torn shirt scraps he rapidly span around in the air, so quickly that he looked like a yellow disc. Suddenly Banana poofed in a cloud of smoke and turned into a lemon.

“Brock, you know what to do.” said Banana.

“No, I can't. You're all I have down here. I can't lose you now Banana, not after all we've been through together!” yelled Brock, tears flowing from his eyes.

“Just do it! It's the only way!” yelled Banana.

Brock grabbed Banana with one hand and with all his power jammed Anton into the monster's lips, prying them open so that the monster couldn't guard from anything being thrown into it's mouth. With one mighty motion Brock karate chopped Banana into two pieces, grabbed one piece and squished it into the monster's head. The monster's head-like dome instantly turned clear and Brock could see inside.

“What the hell is this? You're a bloody midget with a beard!” said Brock, staring into the now clear dome.

With another poof, Banana turned back into his pipe form.

“How... how did you know my weakness. Lemon juice to the head of my Pablo Suit Mk. II. I am defeated once again. You may do a
as you wish with me. I can only hope your friend has the same compassion as the pipes before him.” said the naked bearded man.

“I used my bat-logic to determine that your sour personality could only be defeated by something even more sour.” said Banana.

The suit began to melt away, leaving the very small bearded man standing on the ground. Brock was very tempted to kill him, but decided to give him a chance and ask about his history.

It turned out that the man was actually an exiled Dwarf who used his squeaky voice to pretend to be a woman. After tricking the wrong person, that person being Pablo, he was holed up in this place along with the pipes, shrunk to a size that could not possibly smoke a pipe and thus use a pipe's magic to escape. If he did not do Pablo's bidding and guard this room, Pablo would replace his legs with towels. Forever. He also revealed his true name, Boss.

“You've had it rough buddy. Come with us, you've got nothing to lose. If Pablo comes after ya, I'll smash him to pieces.” said Brock.

“I don't know how I could repay you besides...”

Boss was interrupted by Brock shaking his head.

“Now that we've dealt with that, Banana, what the hell did you do back there?” asked Brock.

“I wondered when you'd ask. Us pipes can shape shift into small objects as long as they are the same colour as us and we can revert back to normal at any time. We need something flammable to consume for the process to start though. Of course, with a Dwarf smoking us our magic is exponentially more powerful.” explained Banana.

Brock shoved Boss into Banana who agreed to carry Boss around, of course with a little orphan blood too. After several hours of walking around, they encountered a seahorse statue with a lever sticking out of it. Brock pulled the lever despite Banana's warnings.


The floor collapsed under Brock's feet.
here are some professional artistic impressions of some of the characters thus far

Fascination in motion, these are the most profound chronicles I've ever cut my eyes upon.

Pertinence might come in second place, but it's exquisite to have something so amicably entertaining to scan over, for a change.
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