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| Author | I think of publishing a book |
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| I am looking forward to hear from you. See i said your story elementary in accordance with your aim of being published. It is not bad i say but it is a long way to the goal. | I appreciate you open to criticism, and you are too straightforward, there should be something like this for that messenger thing:
Travelling on the horse blessed with speed of Angels by Clerics of High Church, the messenger traveled through boiling deserts and rough mountains for days with the scroll carrying the secrets to the cavern of Enemy with emblem of Hermit.
Hermit here is Empires enemy | Not bad... As you said, its not edited i think the real version would be much better.
Most of the times we wanna read a book after looking upto the author's name and his previous establishments as a writer... and your stuff, this is much as fine. But we see your story, it has direct titles like "silent hill" For readers there should be a reason to continue reading especially during the initial pages.. that is somewhere lacking. Try making it more attractive...so even non-frequent readers would wanna stick to it, atleast for awhile :) | | This is like the others but i still want you to get deeper into the story because its very unclear in the beggining. This is all a base of my rough notes. I am going to make it in a story in some time. First the rough work has to be completed. I am going to send the complete rough work of the story within a month | A little difficult to read without punctuation marks and line breaks
^^this
No matter how good story is, if it's presented without proper formatting it's simply an unreadable text. | Got that Lord Rubai.
I will repost it if you want. | Misty Coast
To the south east of Seraphs Tears, The misty coast was situated. As the name suggests, The misty coast was very misty at all times and had been made so by the dark magic of the dark elves.
Long before, elves used to be separated in two parts, the lower class and the upper class. The lower class consisted of elves that had to work as slaves. One fine day, these elves revolted and cut down the trees of east bay which is the sacred land of greenery. The elves threw them in the dungeons but when the king Evel was about to lock them up personally, one of his guards killed him from behind.
This stock of hundred elves gathered strength by collecting more and more lower class elves. Soon, they left in search of another land and found one with extravagant riches and jewels present in its mines. They completely changed their styles and the men became bandits or poisoners and the women rouges or shrews. They caught huge lizards and soon some men started riding them to fight. They forged an alliance with the witches and travelled to the land of tombs to tame some Minotaurs. They captured the first hydra to be born and all the next generations of hydras became their allies. Soon enough, they caught their own set of flying dragons called the twilight dragons. After sometime, they finally merged into one kingdom called the dark elves.
The official symbol of dark elves is the ‘Purple two-forked snakes.’ The lower snake signifies the killed snake which refers to those slaves who had been killed during the revolt against the elves. The upper one signifies the new dark elves which have developed them into highly developed creatures.
The official colour here was Purple. Their ruler was decided by holding a Combat and Strategy tournament every fifty years. Just a few hundred years after their creation, an extremely powerful witch named Grimily was born. She was the one who covered the land with mist. She also invented syrup called the genetic unraveller which she made each dark elf drink so that they and their children would all be able to see through the mist clearly while the others would not. This was a huge success. | Currently, the Combat and strategy tournament was about to commence. The commentator, Rilf the Minotaur spoke on the mike “Welcome to the annual dark elf Combat and strategy championship. Are you ready to be the ruler of the dark elves?” A loud roar erupted. After the crowd settled in their seats again, Rilf verbalized, “This time, the shortlisted eight contestants are- Elvira, our former queen (Witch), Smackat (Hydra), Phildor (Twilight Dragon), Muskat (Hydra), Meenie (Witch), Kwirs, our previous army chief (Lizard assassilant), Mongar (Twilight Dragon), Swielt (Shrew).” Once again the crowd shouted. Rilf continued after the crowd got quiet, “This year’s tournament is very special. All the contestants will be locked up in a labyrinth. They will have to solve the clues they will find in the labyrinth to find their way to the center of the maze which contains a treasure. They will have to carry it till a hidden exit. The one, who comes out first, is our new ruler.” Their was a big ‘AAAH’ this time “So, the contestants are already ready on their own entrances. The crowd can keep checking on their tablets the progress of each and every contestant. The contestants were ready on their positions, and the conch shell went…
The messengers from the other lands had been taken prisoners by the border guards. They had been told to wait for a few days to meet their ruler. The armies were always alert; this was a time when they had no ruler. They were the weakest in this period. Some of them had gone to control the tournament in the labyrinth.
Back in the entrance to the labyrinth where Queen Elvira had entered, it was peaceful. It was just what Queen Elvira needed for her plan to be successful.
In her tenure as queen, she had concentrated hard on trying to make her own mist. After much practice, she was sure she could make the mist do her bidding. For the past five years, she had used the mist as her spy and she had known everything in talk. But her kingdom did not know it. She was saving it all for this time.
A faint purple mist surrounded her. It started thickening. Then with all her will power, the witch commanded the mist to spread all over the maze. She let all her body power and magic combine with the mist.
Soon, she was nearly exhausted and as the last cloud of mist went out; her mind got the images of the casket in the center of the maze. She had used up a lot of time but in this time, the others would have been trying to tackle the mist so it was not much of a waste.
After a short rest, she made more mist come out of her brain and commanded it to take to the center of the maze. Slowly, she was lifted from the ground and she was taken to the heart of this labyrinth. She took another rest, and this time she dozed off. The mist had taxed her body a lot. | She woke to hear footsteps of eight feet. She quickly meditated and the mist carried her and the casket as the hydra and the witch watched in horror.
As she came out of the exit, people were shocked. What was supposed to be a task to be completed in a day or two had been done in a few hours. They were full in applause. They had watched it all. Rilf shouted on the mike, “Presenting Queen Elvira, our continuing ruler.” Hearing this, Elvira fainted.
She woke in her palace being treated to special fruits and dresses. She sat up on her throne and bowed. Just then, a courtier (Shrew) came in, “Your majesty, messengers from the neighbouring kingdoms have arrived. They want to lend a hand of friendship, should I allow them in?” she requested. Elvira frowned.
She had not been allowed to celebrate her victory and a new task was already there. With much hesitation she agreed. As the courtiers came in, Elvira used her mist to manipulate their minds. The messengers froze. Gwilar managed to escape using his mana repellent which saved him against magical controllers. Solta was infact, not affected. He acted as if he had been affected.
Elvira quickly read their minds and when she couldn’t read the minds of those two, she asked “Anything else?” “Yes your majesty. The two kings promise to give you a large share of their loots and also vow to help you in your future fights.” Gwilar spoke with fluency. He had been in such situations. The queen exclaimed, “Excellent! I want a personal meeting with your lords in my secret room. I will send my own messengers to them, you don’t worry. Till then, ENJOY…” The messengers got back to life and were taken away by the shrews.
The queen gave a silent laughter and then ordered her messengers, the Lizard cavalry to leave for the Seraphs Tears. The dark elf kingdom was rich and maybe the richest of them all because of their thieves, the bandits. These bandits also managed the trades of the coast. Poisoners managed the borders and they too were expert thugs. The rouges and shrews acted as guards inside the kingdom. The slaves were rented from different parts of the land including the verdant dell prison. The armies consisted twilight dragons, with witches on them and hydras. Lizard assailants were used for top secret missions. Minotaur soldiers acted as foot soldiers where as Tamed Minotaurs took on different posts in managing different parts of the misty coast. They could be tax collectors or luggage unloaders or labourers. | The remarkable thing about the dark elves was that they were really speedy and were not at all lazy. They considered speed as the most important skill and were really quick in achieving their goals. They use to try and find shortcuts to finish things quicker nearly all the time. Perhaps, this quality of these dark elves led to them pulling up massive surprises like the one they did with their brothers and sisters. The dark elves had their own weaknesses too.
They were impatient and unforgiving. They did not like being commanded on and this was the reason slaves were brought from outside the misty coast for the dark elves. The rulers had the funds to finance this luxury. The dark elves were even richer than the demons. Had it not been for their qualities, they would have not reached here.
This is because after the separation from the elves, they were prone to attacks and were often attacked. In these times, they could not hide in forests as the trees were nature spirits and the elves controlled most of the nature spirits. The dark elves instead hid by the sea in a small cave and extended it till the elves thought they were extinct. They came out a century later, full with a proper army. All this time, they had hid under hoods and captured the other creatures and had used vessels to capture creatures from other islands. They also managed trade by the sea.
Back to the present, the queen was giving thought on the recent turn of events. She certainly would love to fight in the wars but the elves would try to take over the misty coast when the dark elves would be weak. The scenario would somewhat be this- The demons, necromancers and dark elves versus the knights, wizards, dwarves and elves. With her advanced calculation skills, she concluded that if they started by attacking the knights or elves (as they were on the border of one of the three) they might manage to completely eliminate them with just ten percent loss in their combined armies but when the others would come to battle, they would manage to win with only a small percentage of troops left and in this case, the barbarians would get to rule them all by attacking this small percentage. She knew the barbarians would not side with anyone as they were the rulers of Frugustia as they had the great capital under them. From the cowardly nature of their ruler, he would like to act as the vulture, which would wait for the two lions to fight and kill themselves and then feast on their carcasses. She was forming a plan to threaten the barbarian king by attacking him and then taking him in their side when a Lizard cavalry came in out of breath. | “Mistress, huh… Mistress they have left.” He huffed trying to catch his breath. Elvira barked “Where to?” The cavalry got frightened and answered just before fainting “To Barbolox, the ruler of the Great Capital.” “No! Just what I feared. NOOOO!” the queen shouted to no one in particular. “Gear up the army; we are leaving for an emergency trip to the barbarian land.” She ordered.
The dark elves burst into action. Word passed from shelter to shelter that the army was supposed to gather at the grounds. In an hour the army was ready. The queen called, “We are going to the Great Capital as it is an emergency. I want everybody on top speeds. “GO…” | You have posted with punctuation marks but the problem is that the language is too simple and straightforward.
To the south east of Seraphs Tears, The misty coast was situated. As the name suggests, The misty coast was very misty at all times and had been made so by the dark magic of the dark elves.
Just for example this could have been written like this
Towards the land of rowdy Barbarians lay the land of Misty Coast, covered with the hatred of Dark Elves mixed with the magic from the throne ashes released in the past during Rebellion Wars. The land now covered in dark mist blocking even the nearest view from normal eyes.......
This is just an example and not to be taken seriously, I was just trying to tell you how to twist line | | Thanks. As i said this is the information source of my real story. I have to build a story out of this base. | You have freedom, a fiction may not necessary be according to facts, you should post the first few chapters now so that we can give better views and more ways to improve, if you just wanted facts then you could have gotten them from About the Game.
Post the actual story now, we are getting impatient, at least I am | | I have not began the actuall story (Frown) | Read your entry. The de symbol was very nicely explained. But there were some errors too. You wrote:
Their ruler was decided by holding a Combat and Strategy tournament every fifty years.
But then minotaur announces, minotaur? They are supposed to be pets. How they can speak and that too on a mike? It is medieval age isnt it? But let us leave it aside. He announces:
“Welcome to the annual dark elf Combat and strategy championship. Are you ready to be the ruler of the dark elves?”
When you yourself said, the tournament is organised once in fifty years then, how come it is the ANNUAL tournament? These are errors and you need to refrain from committing these. A proof reading of your text before posting would open doors to a significant improvement. | I read it before posting and i do find it boring but it is not the real copy. And wow ARPIT I never saw that annual mistake
Minotaurs speaking in my story is another twist of it. I cant just put it completely like the lords world. Every creature speaks. Perhaps in their own language | ok let us see what you have for us. But still remove the mike :P
Call it be an enchantment or potion which enhanced his voice volume. | | good idea. But I think That might be too much | | How about a spell to speak to all? |
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