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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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| the last one (80) is similar to 77's last joke... | you have a new message:
"congratulation, you've just won a puzzle game! throw your phone into the wall then put it back together. good luck!" | There were two whales and a whaling ship.
One whale notices that they are the whalers that killed his family. He tells the other whale to help him drown the whalers. They both go under the ship and blow through their blow holes so the ship turns over and starts sinking. The whales notices that most of the people are swimming to safety. He tells the other whale to help him eat all of them. The other whale replys "I went along with the blow job, but i absolutely refuse to swallow sea-men!" | A bloke walked into a restaurant and saw a man partying happily and loudly as if nobody is around.
So, the bloke went towards the man and asked what is the commotion.
The man said: "I solved a puzzle after a year, so I am celebrating now"
"1 whole year ?!!! How come you take such a long time?" replied the bloke
Man: "Well, the puzzle box said two to five years....and we solved it in just 1 year. Isn't that something worth celebrating?" | A teacher was returning all his students' assignments.
When she stopped at johnny's table and said: "Johnny, i don't understand how can a person made so much error in such simple assignment?"
Johnny: "Well, I didn't do it myself. My father helped me" | A man was in a restaurant. The soup arrived but he wanted to go to the bathroom desperately. However, he feared others may try to steal his soup.
So, he put up a sign (handwritten on a piece of paper)there saying: I HAVE SPIT ON THE SOUP
After that he went to the bathroom and when he returned, he saw something written under his sign saying: SO HAVE I. | | P.S: Anyone wants more funny jokes, feel free to PM me :) | | A priest and a nun are golfing. The priest is up. He swings and misses and says "Oh my god I missed!" The nun gave him a dirty look and the priest swung again. He missed and said again, "Oh my god I missed!" The nun then says, "If you say that one more time, God will open up the heavens and strike you with a lightning bolt!" The priest swings and misses and says, "oh my god I.........missed! Then a lightning bolt comes out of the sky and hits the nun. All that is heard from the sky is, "Oh my god I missed" | Why did the pencil stop trying?
Because it was pointless. | A school inspector asked the class, "If length of the platform is 200 metres and speed of the train is 100 kilometres what should be my age?"
Noting the absurdity of the question, a clever student answered, "Fifty years, sir." The answer was absolutely correct.
The inspector was astounded. He asked the boy his method of calculation. "Simple, sir," the boy replied, "I have an elder brother aged 25 years and everybody calls him half mad!" | A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'!!!." | | A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..." | | Enjoy :) | There was a married couple sleeping and a psycho killer entered into their house. The killer put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, “I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?”
”My name is Elizabeth,” the woman replied.
The killer said, “You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can’t kill you.”
The killer then turned to the husband and asked, “What is your name?”
“My name’s Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth, too.” | "Dad, Can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card." | The Price You Pay For Being Good
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates". | Lost Gravy Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take agravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found thegravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" | The Christmas Parrot
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" Theyoung man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
Whats In The Bag
Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag
She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.
Then he says now let me give you one.
He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.
The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.
Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking. | Truth's About Men & Women
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does
The Tatoo
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" | | Good to see you back.. love your jokes! |
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