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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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| [Post deleted by moderator Arctic // There are children playing this game.] | Last one:
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. | The ABC Joke
A teacher asks one of her students to stay after school. She tells him
"You need to work on the alphabet. Go Find the first 5 letters of the alphabet"
The boy nods and walks home. Later that day he walks into the kitchen and asks his mom (Who was baking cookies)
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Go away! I'm busy!" His mom replied. The boy took a cookie and walked upstairs.
"What's the second letter of the alphabet?" He asked his older sister.
"Shut Up!" She answered (she was chatting on the phone with her friend)
Then the boy went into the living room. He sat on the couch next to his little brother who was watching Batman on T.V.
"What's the third letter of the alphabet?" He asked.
"Na na na na na na Bat Man!!" His little brother sang
The boy got off the couch and went outside. He saw the garbage man.
"What's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" The Boy asked.
"Iiiiiiinnnn the gaaaaaaaarrrbaaaage!!!!"The garbage man sang.
The boy ran off to the bakery.
"What's the fifith letter of the alphabet?" He asked the baker.
"Well that's easy sonny!" Replied the baker. "Mah BUNS ARE BURNIN'!!!"
The boy thanked him, bought a donut, and left.
The next day the boy goes to school and the teacher asks
"What's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Go away! I'm busy" The boys says.
"You're going to the principal!" The teacher ordered.
"Shut Up!" he says, and goes to the principal.
"Who do you think you are!?" Asked the princinpal.
"Na na na na na na Bat Man!!" The boy said.
"Where do you live?" Asked the principal
"Iiiiiiinnnn the gaaaaaaaarrrbaaaage!!!!" He replied.
"What's your problem?" Asked the principal who was getting angry.
"Well that's easy sonny!" Replied the boy. "Mah BUNS ARE BURNIN'!!!" | At a midnight, telephone in the librarian home rang.
man: When will the library open?
Librarian: At 8'0 clock in the morning, Anyway, what's your problem? calling me in the middle of the night like this?
M: It cannot be opened earlier? (the man asked with a disappointed tone)
L (with an unhappy tone): GODDAMMIT NO! It won't be opened before 8'0 clock!
L: Anyway, why do you want to get in before 8'0 clock?
M: Who wants to get in? I WANNA GET OUT!
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The more we study, the more we know
The more we know, the more we forget
The more we forget, the less we know
The less we know, the less we forget
The less we forget, the more we know.
So why do we study?
---------------------------------------------
Students: Good morning sir
Teacher: Louder!
S: GOOD MORNING SIR!!!
T: LOUDER!!!
S: LOUDER SIR!!!!!!
T: Good morning......
---------------------------------------------
A scientist is testing his time machine, and went into the Jurassic period.
There, he met a caveman, then he tried the caveman language he studied.
Scientist: WALAWALA!!! LOLOKOLOPOLO!!!! YUTULULIOPOLOKOLOWALO!!!!
Caveman: Are you okay?
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Why Students Fail the final test.
From logic thinking, it's not the students fault if they didn't pass, the doesn't even had time to study!
Did you know? In a year, there's 365 day? Which we known as the academic year.....Let's count it
Sunday: there's 52 day in a year, we know that Sunday is for resting (Days left: 313)
Holiday (National & International): Not less than 13 holiday a year (Days left: 300)
School Holiday: It's obvious that students won't study at holiday (except the oh-so-diligent student). Let's say it's 2 months a year. (days left: 240)
Sleeping 8 hour a day for healthy life, 120 days used, (Days left: 120)
Praying and such, usually 1-2 hours, let's say we use 25 day a year. (Days left: 95)
Playing which is good for relaxing, let's say 1 hour per day. 15 days used (Days left 80)
Eating, at least we used 2 hours for eating and drinking. another 30 day used (days left: 50)
Don't forget, human is a social creature, need to interact with other. Let's say 1 hour per day to talk. 15 day used again (Days left: 35)
We can get sick, at least 5 day in a year. (Days left: 30)
The test itself is usually a 2 weeks long per semester.Let's just say 24 days used for the test (Days left: 6)
Watching Film and going to the mall, well, let's say 5 days in a year (Days left: 1)
That 1 day left is BIRTHDAY!
Does you "Study"? | in the evening, 3 men went to a hotel.
they were all tired and wanted to stay there for a night.
after checking in at the receptionist, they went to their room.
their room was on the 100th floor, so they had to use the lift.
unfortunately, the lift was out of order, so they had to use the stairs.
let's assume their names are A, B, and C
when they wanted to use the stairs, a man complained:
A: "*sigh* if we have to go all the way up using the stairs..."
B: "we'll gonna die!!!"
C: "relax, i know what we should do."
B: "and what is it?"
C: "we'll tell stories to each others along the way.
so even a long journey can seems to be a short one."
A: "good idea! if there are 3 of us, each of us has to tell stories for 33 floors, right?"
B: "i agree, let's start then!"
A: "i'll start first, i'll tell you all about thrilling stories!"
they were all thrilled along the first 33 floors.
and the trick worked, they didn't feel tired at all.
B: "alright, i'm next. i'll tell you all about jokes and funny stories!"
they were all laughing a lot along the second 33 floors.
and the trick worked once again, they didn't feel tired at all.
C: "it's my turn huh... let me think of a story for a while..."
unfortunately, C kept silent until they arrived at the 100th floor.
A: "what's wrong with you? why did you keep quiet along the way?"
B: "yeah, i was exhausted and almost unconscious during the way..."
C: "umm... i'll tell you a horrifying story, short and simple...
...i forget to bring the key with us." | for Xcalnarok:
very nice one and so creative
I liked it :)
here is one
there were 3 Misers living in a city
they were very rich but they do not help their poor city
One day the people decided
to get them out of the city if they will not donate money for the city
the 3 Misers decided to donate money so they will be able to keep living in the city
the 1st one said that he will throw all his money in the sky the money which fall on the north will be for him and which fall on the south will be for donating . He did that and people were happy
the 2nd one said I will make a big circle in the middle and I will throw all the money which fall in the circle will be mine which will fall out the circle will be for the people . He did that and people were happy
the 3rd person said that I will throw all my money in the sky
which fall on the earth will be for me
which will stay in the sky is for donating!!!!!!!! .
:P
hope you liked it | | nice work qio :) | | #106 is not funny at all:P | Some jokes from school teachers poor in english:
1) Teacher: Children! Pls be quiet! The headmaster is revolving around the school!
2) Teacher: I have 2 daughters, both are girls!
3) Teacher: Make a triangle of radius 3 cm!
4) Teacher: Cut an iron rod of 3 cm!
5) The teacher was teaching in the class when the principal of the school just crossed the door of the classroom. The students were talking loudly.
Teacher: Children! Pls be quiet. The Principal has just passed away!
6) The teacher is angry with a child.
Teacher: Give me your almanac(school diary where teachers write bad remarks). Tomorrow, I want to see both your parents including your father and mother!
MORE JOKES TO COME SOON!!! | One day, Joe got an assignment to interview a herd in his hometown.
Joe: Uuum, excuse me sir, can i ask you some question?
Herd: Sure
J: Your sheep looks healthy, what did you feed to them?
H: Which one? The black one or the white one?
J: Mmmm, the black one first.
H: Oh, the black one eat wet grass
J: I see, the white one?
H: The white one too.
J: Okaaay, these sheep can walk how many kilo?
H: Which one? The black one or the white one?
J: The black one first.
H: Oh, the black one can walk about 4km per day.
J: Oh, and the white one?
H: The white one too.
J (annoyed) : These sheep produce how many wool per year?
H: Which one? The black one or the white one?
J (Annoyed) : The black one first.......
H: Oh, the black one produce about 10kg/year
J: And the white one?
H: The white one too.
J: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DIFFER THESE SHEEP IF THE ANSWER IS THE SAME?!?!?!?
H: Oh, it's because the black one is mine.
J: Oh, sorry if i snapped, and the white one?
H: the white one too. | So, on a comedy show they welcome a dog and his trainer. The trainer says "My dog can talk!!"
The person on the show says "Prove It."
So the owner says, "Whats on a tree?"
The dog says "Bark!"
The audience is silent.
Then the owner says "How does sandpaper feel?"
The dog then says "Ruff!"
Then the owner says "What covers a house?"
And the dog says "Roof!"
The audience is yelling "Boo!!!" and "Get off the stage!!"
So, the person on the show says, "Your dog can't really talk. Get off the stage!"
Sadly, the dog owner turns around when suddenly the dog stands on his hind legs and says "Hey? What did you want me to say??" | Three guys and a little girl were on a plane. Suddenly, the plane engine caught a fire. So the passengers have no choice but to jump.
Then a fairy appeared before them and told them that they could all turn into whatever word they said when they jumped out.
The first guy said "rock", and he jumped and shattered when he reaches the ground.
The second guy said "hawk", and he transformed into a hawk and he flew away. However, suddenly a "bang" and he got got shot and fell down.
The third guy said "I'm not really going to jump off"...seeing this, the little girl pushed him off and he shouted "CRAP!!!" | two snails meet in a bar. one of them has a black eye.
the other one asks: hey, why do you have a shiner?
well, i was jogging in the woods - when suddenly, directly in front of me, a mushroom shoot out of the ground... | | A mother saw her daughter cutting classes, she slapped her daughter's face the said I'm doing this because I love you. Surprisingly her daughter answer it and slapped her mother and said I love you too mom. | I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
===========================================================================
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can p*ss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins p*ssing. He starts p*ssing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could p*ss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
=============================================================================
One day, a farmer was feeding his horse. Suddenly, his horse said, "Damn you! You always give me inferior hay, shoddy brushing, poor water and you expect to ride me all around town?!" With that it ran away.
The farmer whistled his dog and both chased the horse, but the horse was too fast and was soon gone.
The farmer sat down detectedly and said, "Can you believe a horse could talk?"
"Me neither," the dog replied. | Some random stuff:
If at first you don't succeed, then destroy all evidence that you tried.
Evening news is where they tell you 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot.
Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED. Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege
25 Reasons I owe my mother.
1. My mother taught me to APPERCIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORSIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about,"
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mout and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about weather.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
10. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck."
11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
" You'll sit there until all that spinich is gone."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a millon times. Don't exaggerate."
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children i htis world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
16. My mother taught me about about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home!"
17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing you eyes, their going to freeze that way."
18. My mother taught me about RECIEVING.
" You are going to get it when we get home."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold."
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come crying to me."
21. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
22. My mother taught me MOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow up."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut the door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
" When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you
You know you live in the year 2010 when...
1) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.
4) You send a text to your friend when they're right next to you.
3) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have MSN or Myspace.
5) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV.
6) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7) You look at a C | You know you live in the year 2010 when...
1) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.
4) You send a text to your friend when they're right next to you.
3) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have MSN or Myspace.
5) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV.
6) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7) You look at a CD and think of it as an antique.
9) The only friends you have only know you by your screen name.
10) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
11) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
12) You were too busy to notice number 8.
13) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 8.
14) Now you're laughing at your stupidity.
15) You never noticed 4 was before 3.
16) You scrolled back up again to check to see.
17) You're now laughing even more at your own stupidity.
18) You didn't notice that there are 6 was listed twice.
19) You fell for that trick.
20) your home computer is smaller the the one at you office
21) Now you're thinking, "I have to put this on my profile!"
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak. | | A teacher to the class: Be prepared students. You have a surprice science test on Friday! | 3 types of english spoken:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StnkWoDSmyA | No Study = Fail
Study = No Fail
-------------------- +
No Study + Study = Fail + No Fail
(No + 1) Study = (No + 1) Fail
Cross out the (No + 1)
Study = Fail |
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