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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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| A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied:The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." | A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." | A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" | These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their past hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one". | | Two Cows are talking through a fence. One cow says to the other, "You know, I'm really worried about this Mad Cow Disease." The other cow says to him, "I wouldn't be too worried about it. It can't affect us chickens." | Guys, I just saved a great wine!
It was trapped inside a bottle... | "Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” said the teacher.
"A fight!” answers Frank. | 826 + 827
Loved it :) | | A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: “What’s happening?” The runner replied breathlessly: “A lion has escaped from the zoo.” “Oh my, which way is it heading?” “Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?” | A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."
"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?"
The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.
"That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that too."
"Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner."
The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.
The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!"
The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist." | | that joke is repeated..but it's awesome..:) | | Indeed an awesome joke :D | | The Marine Commander had just completed his lecture on the use of parachute and it was question time. "What if it does not open sir?",asked one of the men. "That, son", he replied "is what is known as jumping to a conclusion." | An Iraqi terrorist didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting that it was a bomb, he opened it and was killed in the explosion.
So much of dumb luck, eh? | a french man visiting a bird's market in london decide to buy a special gift for his girlfriend.
While he walks around, he sees a beautiful ara parrot, and he asks the seller if it can speak.
"My good sir", answer the vendor after hearing the client's explanation "not only this parrot can talk, he is even trained to whisper sweet loving words and compliments that will make your girl think of you as a most attentionate man!"
On this, the man buys the parrot and goes home.
3 weeks later, the same man goes back to the seller with the parrot and his girfriend.
"you said this bird could speak wonders, and since my girlfriend has had it, it never made as much as a noise!"
The vendor, with a worried expression, addresses the parrot 'hey, mick, how come you don't want to talk with the lady?"
and the parrot: "hey man, you never had to learn a foreign language in 3 weeks, have you?" | Somewhere deep in African jungle three tribesmen named Ru, Mu and Du are talking about their possible trip to USA.
"Imagine, mates, that we're gonna cross the ocean and come to live in this big country!" - says Ru. "There I will change my name and be Rick".
"And I will call myself Mick!" - replies Mu.
"And I won't travel to USA with you", - with sadness in his voice says Du. | | cool | @836
lol nice one.. | One morning at a doctor's surgery
a patient arrives complaining of
serious back-pain. The doctor
examines him and asks him" OK,
what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that
I work for a local night club? This
morning I got home to my
apartment early and heard a noise
in my bedroom.On entering I knew
someone had been with my wife
and the balcony door was open. I
rushed out the balcony door and
did not find anyone. As I looked
down from the balcony I saw a
man running out and he was
dressing himself.I grabbed the
fridge and threw it at him, That’s
how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as
if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor said "My previous patient
looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been
unemployed for a while
now .Today was the first day at my
new job. I forgot to set my alarm
and was running late. I was
running out of the building,
getting dressed at the same time,
and you won't believe it but I was
hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks
even worse than the other two
Patients do..
The doctor is shocked. Again asks,
"What the hell happened
to you!?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge &
someone threw it from the 3rd
floor". | lmao !!!
Good one mate xD |
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