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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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| There are 3 friends talking about how big lovers they are. The first guy says "Guys, I had sex with my wife yesterday, we did it 3 times. Next morning she had breakfast ready for me with all you can eat and she said how much she loves me". The second guy says "I had sex with my wife too yesterday, we did it 4 times. Today morning when I woke up she brought breakfast for me in bed with all you can eat and she told me she loves me endlessly". The third guy says "Well guys, I had sex with my wife too yesterday" and his friends ask him "How many times?". When the third guy says "1" the others start laughing at him and ask again "And what did she tell you in the morning ?". Then the third guy says "She said - Don't stop now !". | Don't stop now
Bwahahahaha | | Rofl | | There is a drummer in an apartment playing his drums (obviously loud) at 3 after midnight. His neighbour from the floor below wakes up angry due to the noise and goes up to the drummer's apartment to tell him to be quiet. The drummer explains to the neighbour "I'm really sorry my friend, but you see, I'm doing a final rehearsal because tomorrow I have a hard long concert". The neighbour thinks "whatever, if it's just one night" and goes back to his apartment. The next day same time the drummer is going crazy with his drum once again and the neighbour is really angry now, goes up to complain to the drummer "What's it gonna be man ? Are you going to play every night now ?" and the drummer explains "Don't you see the weather ? We postponed the concert for tomorrow due to the reain. I'm sorry but I need one last rehearsal before tomorrow or I'll forget it all !". The neighbour goes back to his apartment wishing that all will be fine tomorrow. The next night comes and the same story begins, the drummer is going crazy with his drums, but the neighbour is not making any complains. The drummer continues playing until 4 o' clock, nothing happens, he continues until 5, nothing happens, when he finally feels tired and goes to the balcony for some fresh air. The drummer looks from his balcony over his neighbour's apartment and sees him neighbour masturbating. The drummer shouts to him saying "Hey man, how can you be in such a mood at 5 o' clock ?" and his neighbour answers back "I'm doing a final rehearsal, because tomorrow I swear I'm gonna [censored] you". | | Yesterday I confessed to my wife that I am visiting a psychiatrist and she confessed to me that she is visiting a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a student. | "It's forbidden to take a shower here", says the officer to a young lady.
"Why didn't you say that before I get naked officer ?"
"Well, that's not forbidden". | A parrot was flying on the highway and a BMW comes very fast and hits the parrot. The driver gets off, takes the parrot and brings him to the hospital. Until the parrot is healed, it is kept in a cage.
When the parrot gets its conscience back, he sees the cage around him and says: "Oh boy, I think I killed that BMW driver! | The Lion is angry and goes for a walk in the forest to calm down. He meets the fox and asks:
-Tell me, who's the king of the animals?
-You are, your highness! says the fox with fear
Then the lion walks some more and meets the wolf:
-Tell me, wolfie, who's the king of the animals, eh?
-Only you are, your highness! says the wolf terrified
The lion keeps walking and meets the elephant eating quietly.
-Hey, fatty, who's the king of the animals, tell me!
The elephant takes him with his trunk, hits him about 3 times in a tree and lets him off in the middle of the road, continuing his lunch.
After half an hour of faint, the Lion wakes up and says:
-Bro.. if you don't know, you don't know and that's it, why do you get so angry?? | | -You don't call me fatty and I'll tell you I don't know | | lol | "We are looking for workers at the Dynamite Factory, capable to run very fast"
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Dear Mr.,
I am writing in reply to your request to give you additional details about Section 3 of the Work Accident Report where I mentioned "bad planning" as the cause of my accident. You requested some explanations regarding the accident and I hope the details I am going to give you in the following letter will be clarifying enough.
I am a bricklayer by profession. In the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a 6 floor building.
After I finished my job, I realized there are unused bricks, which, weighted later, were found to be 270 kg heavy.
Instead of carrying all the bricks, in more runs, I considered it is better to bring them all down at one by putting them in a barrel, using the sheave in the back of the building. I assured the rope at the bottom of the building, then climbed on the roof, pushed the barrel and loaded the bricks. Then I went down to untie the rope, holding it tight to assure a slow descending of the barrel. You will see in Section 11 of the Work Accident Report that I weigh 72kg.
Due to the surprise I had when I was literally wrested from the ground, I lost my mind and I forgot to release the rope. I believe there is no point in saying that I started a fast ascension to the roof. Near the 3rd floor, I met the barrel full of bricks going down, which resulted in a head blow and a broken clavicle.
Because of the impact, my ascension slowed down for a moment, but then it continued fast to the roof level, where I stopped only when my right hand fingers stopped into the sheave at the level of my third phalanges.
Happily, meanwhile I recovered my conscience and I managed to hold the rope even if I started to feel a lot of pain. Almost simultaneously, anyway, the barrel hit the ground and, as a result of the impact, the bottom of the barrel broke. Now, having his weight reduced by all it's cargo's weight, it was only 27kg heavy. Now you probably already imagine that I started a quick descending to the ground.
Near the 3rd floor, I met the barrel which was now going up and as a result I got some ankle fractures and many cuts and wounds on the legs and in general.
Here my luck started to change slowly. Meeting the barrel, it slowed my descending a bit so, when I fell on the heap of bricks, I managed to break just 3 ribbons!
I'm sorry to tell you that, as I was standing on the heap of bricks, with big pains, unable to move, I lost my conscience again and I let the rope go. As I was standing on the back like this, I managed to see the barrel coming to me, which explains the other 2 fractures of my legs.
I hope this report will answer to all your requests and questions.
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A HR manager has a pack of CV's on his table. He takes one half and throws them away, saying:
- I don't want people without luck in the company. | | What's HR and CV ? | | nvm, with a little search I found out : CV = Curriculum Vitae and HR = Human Resources | I don't want people without luck in the company.
completely lol | How many illegal immigrants can be contained in a van ?
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Throw a pizza inside and see for yourself ! | | An old man is eager for sex, so he looks around for hookers. He finds a hot blonde that suits him, so he asks her how much it will cost. The hooker says "You'll pay me 5k and another 7k to my PIMP and you can do anything you want until the morning". Then the old man answers "Little girl, given my age, will I be able to handle both of you just until the morning ?" | The farmer and his son are going home from the field in a cart pulled by horses.
The son: - Look father, a headless motorcyclist just passed by !
The farmer looked at the headless motorcyclist and said nothing.
After a few minutes, the son again:
- Look father, another headless motorcyclist just passed by !
The farmer looked at the headless motorcyclist and said nothing.
After a few minutes, the son again:
- Look father, another headless motorcyclist just passed by !
The farmer looked at the headless motorcyclist and said:
- My son, maybe you should put the scythe with the blade inside the cart !!! | | There was this woman that her sweat smelled like an onion. She tried everything she could, but all potential solutions failed and all her efforts turned out vain. Noone could stand near her due to her bad scent and she was sad because he couldn't get a boyfriend easily. She decided to talk to her friend about it and he said "Oh don't worry, I have a single friend of mine who can't smell you. I'll have you two know eachother and I bet you'll get along well" and so he introduces his friend to her. After a month of many dates, the guy decides to take the lady home and offer her a drink. After the drink the passion fires up the room and they both start kissing eachother and get undressed. Once the lady takes off her clothes the guy immediately shouts "Oh my god, what's this onion aura that filled the room ?" and the lady asks surprisingly "But, you are supposed to be unnable to smell at all !!", to what the guy answers back "What smell are you talking about ? My eyes are killing me !!" | MUM: Can you please clean the fish which i bought from the market?
Son: WTF
MUM (angryly) : What does WTF mean?
Son: Wheres the fish :) | | A dog and a fly are talking to each other. The fly asks, "what race are you ?" The dog says "I'm a wolfhound, my mother was a wolf, my father was a hound and so I was born a wolfhound". The dog then asks the fly "And what's your race ?" to what the fly answers "I'm a horsefly". The dog then stays silent for a second and then says "Come on dude, cut the crap !". |
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