| Author | Jokes !!! |
|---|
hahaha xD
1000 was rly good :D |
RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse, and worse, she insists I accompany her on her shopping trips.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. |
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OHHH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! ‘
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room(Changing Room), shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the clerks passed out. |
| LOL! |
| man !!! i read this joke and signed in to give a huge WOW for it. really awesome :-) |
| ROFLMAO! Toilet paper lol xD |
yesterday i woke up in the middle of the night, and there was a thief in my house, searching for money!
so i got up and went to search with him... |
| [Post deleted by moderator Lord STB // Off-Topic] |
OK, not a joke but a nice tongue-twister :
"Three Swedish switched witches watch three Swiss Swatch watch switches. Which Swedish switched witch watches which Swiss Swatch watch switch?"
Have fun :o) |
| [Post deleted by moderator Lord STB // Off-Topic] |
-What is a man with one amputated hand looking for on the streets?
-A second-hand shop.
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-What has 2 legs and is bleeding?
-A half dog. |
| [Post deleted by moderator Lord STB // Off-Topic] |
Why did the black person cross the road?
*Why?*
To visit his gay friend
*awkward silence*
Knock knock
*Who's there?*
Your gay friend |
| Dark humor is like food ... not everybody gets it! |
-Have you noticed any change in me?
-No, why?
-I've just swallowed some coins accidentally.
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Some girls think I'm handsome and some girls think I'm horrible. What do you think, Mary?
-A bit of both, pretty ugly.
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You have to be rich to play gold
-Then why are there so many poor players?
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Why did the two astronauts decide to leave the restaurant on the moon and retorn to one on Earth?
They said it had no atmosphere.
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Why did you park your car on the yellow lines?
-Because the sign says "fine for parking".
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What do you call a happy tin in the USA?
-A merry can. |
Q : What do you tell a woman with two black eyes ?
(let people search for answer)
A : Nothing, you've already told her twice |
A guy goes to his friend and says:
- I have a bad news and a good news. With which should I start?
- Maybe it will be a good idea to somehow "mix" the two news and say it as one news.
- OK, let's see... Hmmmm.... YOUR wife is cheating US !!! |
In a French Foreign Legion camp from Africa, the officer goes to the soldiers in the early morning and says:
- I have a bad news and a good news. With which should I start?
- With the bad news, sir !
- Today, all day long, you're gonna dig holes in the sand...
- And what's the good news ?
- Don't worry, we have plenty of sand... |
In a French Foreign Legion camp from Africa, the officer goes to the soldiers in the early morning and says:
- I have a bad news and a good news. With which should I start?
The soldiers, learning from the yesterday's story with sand, says:
- With the good news, sir !
- Today, we are gonna change the sheets from your beds (it wasn't changed from 30 days already)
- And what's the bad news ?
- You're gonna change the existing sheets with each other... |
Man goes to the pharmacy looking for birth control he tells the clerk his problem claiming its for his 16 year old step daughter the pharmacist asked puzzled "wow shes sexually active already?" the man replies "nawhhh she just kind of lays there like her mother"
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why dont you talk to the two tampons walking down the street
because there stuck up c**t's
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A man is on the beach and see a lot of ladies around an italian man and could not figure out why i mean one or two talked to him throw the day but not as many or as fancy as the italian mans he waited to the end of the day and decided to approach and ask the italian man "how do you get all those ladies around you.what do you have that i dont i just do not get it" the italian man says "come back tomorrow but first put a kielbasa in your pants and you will see" " ok thank you thank you" he does what he says and returns to the beach to see the italian man and his usual ladies but still none came to him he waited till the end of the day and ask the man why he decieved him and the italian man simply says "you were supposed to put it in the front..." |
