| Author | Jokes !!! |
|---|
some russian jokes:
— Why Russians take Americans to space flights?
— It is necessary that at the time of landing at least someone would be sober.
— Have you heard the news that Putin have broke the arm?!
— Whose arm?
U.S. image of the USSR in the 70’s:
— Sit and eat!
— Let’s drink vodka!
— Mom, may I go play balalaika, read Lenin and milk a bear?
— Yes, you may.
— Dad, where is granny?
— He stays in line for coupons on coupons.
— Dear, it’s getting hot here. Please, turn off a nuclear reactor.
— Shut up, Natasha. Let’s drink vodka!
— Dad, I’ve wrote essay «For Lenin I’m ready to decay on mines»
— Good job, Sergei. Let's drink vodka! |
| there are some grammar mistakes there, i've copied them XD |
| :) :) nice :) |
for MarineBiologist:
Nice one! xD |
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." |
| Lords of war and money. |
a couple and her 5 year old son just finish seeing a movie on a king with multiple wives(polygamy).
after the movie,
son asks the mom: why did the king have so many wives?
mom replies: so that he can have fun my son.
dad to son: son would you also have many wives?
son replies: maybe 4 would suffice.
mom(gasping): then who would u sleep with at night?
son: always with you mom!
mom: bless you my son *tears in eyes*. Then who would sleep with your wives?
son: dad would sleep with all of them.
dad: *tears of joy*. bless u my son!
xD |
| Wow !! really nice ones Lord Hallion 91 and siddi1111. really nice. |
One day, a blonde went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned.
The doctor asked, "What happened?"
The blonde said, "Well, I was ironing my husband's shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!"
The doctor replied, "What about the other half?"
The blonde answered, "They called back." |
what's the difference between a small kid and a snail?
One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere.
And the other is a snail. |
| :-) nice ones guyb |
jimmy's parents wanted to mate (you know what it means :p) and hence asked jimmy to stand outside the balcony and say later what was going on.
after they finished, they called jimmy inside and asked him to narrate the events that took place outside.
jimmy: " mr Fred is playing with his son, uncle Alfred is smoking a cigarette, aunt Veronica is walking her dog and joe's parents are mating".
parents:*shocked* " what?! how do u know that"?
jimmy:" even joe is standing in his balcony"
xD |
| :) :) nice sidde :-) |
A mid 20's bachelor walks into a grocery store to pick up the necessities (a case of beer, toilet paper, a tv guide and some frozen dinners).
He goes to the checkout and the young lady cashier looks at him and says, "Wow, you must be single".
The man smiles and says "You can tell I'm single just from the stuff that I'm buying?"
"No," remarked the lady, "it's just that you are ugly" |
| :) :) |
| #1125 lol XD |
what is the biggest asset of a thief?
his lieability
:D |
The homeless in Washington spreads the bread with poo and around him goes Obama. Obama is watching him and says: Here you have 50$ dollars, go and buy something good to eat. We are not so badly off yet.
The homeless in Moscow spreads the bread with poo and around him goes Putin. Putin is watching him and says: Here you have 5000 rubles, go and buy something to eat. We are not so badly off yet.
The homeless in Prague spreads the bread with poo and around him goes Zeman(our predident). Zeman is watching him and says: So thick layer? Save something for tommorow! |
| Ahahaha |
| :-) nice |
