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| Author | Jokes !!! |
|---|
A farmers' kid goes to his mum and says :
- Hey Ma', I saw the rooster mate 10 times this morning !
- Really ? Well, go tell that to your father from me, he'll understand...
The kid goes to his father and says :
- Hey Dad', Mum' says I must tell you that the rooster mated 10 times this morning, and that you would understand.
- Did the rooster mate 10 times with the same hen ?
- No
- Go tell that to your mother, she'll understand... | | Ahahahaha | for Derelict:
Since forums dont support unicode:
http://i.imgur.com/IKiqOUm.jpg | Also that must be one of the subtlest things I've ever read.
Cheers!) | Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "Should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "Well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?" | political time obliges..
Trump is flying over New York.
He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."
Trump says, "Son, that's a great idea!"
His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!"
Trump looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?" | A blonde is on vacation in Louisiana with her boyfriend, and decided to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but without paying a fortune for them.
So she heads out to the swamp, determined to catch herself an alligator, while her boyfriend stayed at the hotel.
All day long, the girl shoots at alligators in the bayou, examines the dead bodies, and always says "Nope... no good!", then heads back for more.
When evening arrives, she heads back to the hotel in defeat.
As she flops down on the bed, her boyfriend asks: "Did you catch any gators?" "Yeah," replies the disappointed and exhausted blonde, "but they were all barefoot!" | a man, sitting in front of a blank will form, shouts at his wife:
"WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, MY LOVE!"
Wife shouts back: "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!" | At 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man 'Holy Crap! That must be my husband!'
So the man jumps out of the bed, naked, pops out of the window, smashing himself on the roses bush and getting up dirty and bleeding, he runs for his car and as fast as he can.
A few minutes later he returns to the house, goes in to the bedroom and screams at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
She answers back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' | After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' he said, 'I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.' | In a small park, there is a fountain with two nude statues. A man and woman
One day, an angel comes down and says to the statues:
"For your many years of long-standing beauty and service to society, I will bring you to life for 30 minutes."
The statues hear this and spring to life.
The man and woman gaze at each other for a moment, and then dart towards a nearby shrubbery
There is a lot of thrashing and laughing..
15 minutes later they come out of the shubbery, tickled pink, satisfied, and giggling.
"You have another 15 minutes. If you wish to.. do it again, you may do so." says the angel with a polite smile.
The man looks at the woman and asks: "Again?"
"Oh heck yeah!" exclaims the woman,
"This time let's change positions. I'll hold it down while you shit on the pigeon." | | Hahaha, nice ones ! | | What Is The Best Punishment For A Girl? Give Her New Clothes, Matching Jewelry And Nice Cosmetics And Then Lock Her In A Room Without A Mirror. | a physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip.
They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing.
The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. and says : 'You forgot to account for wind.
Later on, they find the same deer again, in anothr clearing. Give it here' says the engineer, and, he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!" | couple short ones :)
- Telling a girl to calm down when you made her mad works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
- What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man with 20 bullet holes in his back?
. The worst case of suicide he's ever seen.
- A man came to my door today, and asked if I would donate to building the community pool. So i gave him a glass of water.
- Everybody who has played Russian Roulette will tell you it's safe. Well, at least 5 out of 6 will. | @1174
Haha good one xD | Preparing for halloween..
https://i.imgur.com/u5BgdJ7.jpg | John, a young student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark Halloween night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and... wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce. There's the idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it!" | | AhAHhahaha | | A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bs driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver." |
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