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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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| Or her stepdad. | | One dark night, a man returns home and decides to walk through the cemetary to take a shortcut. As he walks through the graves a continuous sound reaches him from deep in the front "tick tack tick tack". He tries to ignore it and keeps walking, but the sound gets louder as he walks straight. After a while he notices a man carving a gravestone gently. With shaken voice the man asks "What ... what are you doing there ?" and the "carver" answers "What do I look like I'm doing ? These idiots spelled my name wrong !". | | a man returns home = a man is on his way home. | | One dark night, a man is on his way home, which is next to the graveyard. He needs to walk next to the graveyard in order to reach his home, but he is a little afraid of it due to stereotypes. Suddenly he sees another man walking the same way he needs to go, so he runs to him and decides to walk the street together. In order to break the ice he starts talking "Ah, it's good to walk with company here, I am afraid of the graveyard at night". The other man chuckles and asnwers "hehe, I understand how you feel, I used to be afraid of it as well back when I was still alive !" | | A man goes to the doctor and announces that he wants to get sterilised. The doctor warns the man "This is a serious decision you've made, have you talked about it with your family ?". The man nods "I have", but the doctor insists "and what's their opinion ? Does your family agree with this ?". Then the man answers "They approve my decision, by a majority of 15 over 2". | A blonde walks into a library.
She shouts loud at the librarian "I'd like a Hamburger and some fried potatoes !"
The librarian is kinda confused but answers calmly "Madam, this is a library."
The blonde thinks about it for a momment and then talks as quietly as she can, almost whispering : "I'd like a Hamburger and some fried potatoes." | hehe, I understand how you feel, I used to be afraid of it as well back when I was still alive !
I'd do this if in the same situation..just to mess up with people :P
A blonde walks into a library.
She shouts loud at the librarian "I'd like a Hamburger and some fried potatoes !"
The librarian is kinda confused but answers calmly "Madam, this is a library."
The blonde thinks about it for a momment and then talks as quietly as she can, almost whispering : "I'd like a Hamburger and some fried potatoes."
6/9 would give her!
"Err...madam, it is in the back of the room in the corner. Let me show you the way. (EvilGrin)"
Player banned by moderator Lord STB until 2014-09-14 21:04:02 // Inappropriate. This is not a joke, only a comment and not funny at all. | | great going lord hallion91. waiting for more. and lord STB, above post may be inappropriate, but definitely funny ;-) (EvilGrin) | This is a short story written by Dr Kishore Shah....he is a gynaecologist in Pune and a very gifted writer....enjoy this extremely funny story.
My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist. This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish. A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a patient of hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal of the wax to my wife.
I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital,it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with the patient.
"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."
"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"
"Not at all."
The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried removing it at home, but failed."
I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications. "
"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."
I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"
She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."
"Oh my God!"
"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."
My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.
"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"
I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much. I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this happening. Or you could use protection at night."
Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it happens only at night?"
I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood, you should use protection."
She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"
Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It just happens."
"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."
"You mean that pin man?"
"Yeah!"
This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed his advice."
"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait. However, that also did not work."
This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.
"But have you taken your husband's permission?"
Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai. We were not able to meet for the last one year."
It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those' cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. I reassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."
"However, I did inform him on phone."
Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."
"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."
"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat."
The patient | Hey, the joke is incomplete :/
You must have reached the wordcount please post the remaining :) | Nevermind. I found the remaining part. Here it is :)
The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie. Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but only for a few days."
By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"
"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue only for a week or so."
By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on the examination table? Remove your clothes and relax."
This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed. | | thanx for completing it :-D, i didnt even checked it sorry :-) | Hey guys, i don't usually tell jokes but today i found something and just couldn't resist sharing.
Read this guys profile.. its really funny if you have the right heart.
https://www.lordswm.com/pl_info.php?id=5312474 | I thought I got the right heart, but I didn't laugh :P
Anyway, let's try now
http://www.adventureson.com/bbcart/images/prods/Yu-Gi-Oh-Starter-Deck-Yu-Gi-Oh-Change-of-Heart.jpg | Yu Gi Oh
Oh the feels. ;-;
Great feels greentext story.
http://i.imgur.com/vJewpum.jpg | Hey guys, i don't usually tell jokes but today i found something and just couldn't resist sharing.
Read this guys profile.. its really funny if you have the right heart.
https://www.lordswm.com/pl_info.php?id=5312474
I have only a left heart, didn't know there are people who also have a right heart :O.
thought I got the right heart
Yeah I know when you put your hand on the right of your chest you also feel the beats, but it's from the left heart.. | | Ahahah <3 | Hey guys, i don't usually tell jokes but today i found something and just couldn't resist sharing.
Read this guys profile.. its really funny if you have the right heart.
https://www.lordswm.com/pl_info.php?id=5312474
I have only a left heart, didn't know there are people who also have a right heart :O.
thought I got the right heart
Yeah I know when you put your hand on the right of your chest you also feel the beats, but it's from the left heart..
I wanna cry now. | | lol vv. not so fast :-) | A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all ...to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?" "Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away." "Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I? |
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