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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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| Whom should I call if water starts flowing my plug socket ? A plumber or an electrician ? O.o ? | Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" | A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!" | for Dionysus:
"I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
good one :) | | #723 is a great one... thanks | How many forumists are needed to change a bulb?
-1 to change the bulb
-1 to post and announce that the bulb was changed
-14 to share similar experiences and show new methods of changing the bulb
-7 to give warnings about the dangers of changing the bulb
-27 to correct grammatical errors from previous posts
-53 to make fun of the people who corrected the grammatical errors
-2 professionals that suggest that the correct term is "lamp"
-15 that pretend they worked in this domain and say that "bulb" is as correct as "lamp"
-109 that say that the forum is not about bulbs and that the topic should be moved on a forum about bulbs
-111 that insist that as long as we all use bulbs, the topic is useful on the forum
-306 to discuss about the best methods to change the bulb, where they can be bought and how much they cost
-27 to post links to sites with bulb models
-14 to say that the links are not correct and ask for the correct links
-33 to quote things that have been posted till then and add "me too"
-6 to tell people to use the "search" function of the forum
-12 to post that they quit the forum for good because of the arguments appeared alongside with the topic
-143 to say "search on google first and then post on the forum"
-2 members to discuss about a totally different topic
-24 to tell the two people to use private message or email
-1 moderator to warn that if people keep posting off-topic he will close the topic
-1 new member of the forum that replies after 6 months and all start from the beginning | | 726> so true :D | For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes | That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes and you are sitting at the computer posting jokes :P | | and you are sitting at the computer posting jokes :P haha :)) | i got so drunk last night.
i walked across the dance floor to get another drink and i won the dance contest! | kid: dad could you lend me 50$ for gas while go look for a job?
dad: don't you already have a job?
kid: i got fired yesterday.my boss told me i needed to leave my problems at the door when i came to work.
dad: and..?
kid: i told him to go stand outside. | Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.”
She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”
“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”
“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’” | @728
your numbers may be wrong... my dad is retired military but still works another job so your "retired" number may be too large as many people who have retired from one job work another one. :) | @734
If those numbers were true, only 2 people in the entire USA would be working with something productive. This thread is for jokes and funnily enough, post 728 is a joke!
You will find interesting facts here:
https://www.lordswm.com/forum_messages.php?tid=2047924 | A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box." | | so i go to the barber , i tell him i want a hair cut , so he cut 'em all off | Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver." | Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."
"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'" | Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini." |
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