Forums-->Creative works-->
<<|<|27|28|29|30|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|>|>>
| Author | Jokes !!! |
|---|
A woman goes into a supermarket and buys 1 Pizza, 1 Teethbrush and a single apple.
The shopowner looks at the items and says: I bet u are single.
She asks: how did u see that? Just by the items I buy?
He answeres: no. you are just ugly. | I want to thank everyone who posts awesome jokes here :)
But mostly i want to thank ParaLeul mate your jokes are awesome :) dont know where you get them from but please keep them coming :) | an officer pulls over a car for drunk driving..
officer: how high are you??
driver: no sir..u are supposed to say 'hi, how are you?'. | for greatmagenish:
I'm glad you like them.
After many years of work, a man realized he was not promoted, nor transferred, he didn't get a salary raise, he didn't get any bonus and his company doesn't do anything in this direction. So, one morning, the man decided to go to his direct manager and tell him his observations. After his boss looks at him, he says:
-You didn't work in this company even one day!
The man is surprised to hear that, but the manager continues with his explanation:
-How many days are in a year?
-365 days and once in 4 years 366.
-And how many hours are in one day?
-24 hours.
-How many hours do you work a day?
-8 hours (from 8:00 AM to 16:00 PM)
-Ok, so how much percent of a day do you work?
The employee makes his calculations and says:
-8 hours/24 hours = 1/3 of a day (which is 33,33%)
-Very good, so how much is 1/3 of a year?
-122 days (1/3 x 366 = 122 days)
-Do you work on weekends?
-No, sir.
-How many weekend days are there in a year?
-52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays, that 104 weekend days.
-Good, so if we substract 104 days from 122 days, how many days are left?
-18 days.
-Ok! Usually, every year you have 3 weeks of vacation for relaxation. So take 15 work days from the 18 days. How many days are left?
-3 days!
-Do you work on New Year, Easter and Christmas?
-No, sir.
-So.. what do you want from me?
-I understood, sir. Thanks for the money you offer me and excuse me for my unjustified request! | A rabbit walks in the forest and finds 50 eggs in a nest. "Oh, that's perfect! I am so hungry!". But he then thinks "Where will I cook so many eggs?", so he decides to go to the bear to ask for his poacher to cook the eggs in it, because he surely has a big one, as he eats a lot.
Walking to the bear, he thinks "What if the bear will ask me why do I need his poacher and will find out I want to cook 50 eggs and he asks me to give him 10 eggs?.. Well, I will have 40 eggs left which are enough".
After walking some more, he thinks "What if the bear will ask me to give him 20 eggs? I will have 30 eggs left.. well, I think 30 eggs are enough for me".
After a bit more walking, he thinks "What if the bear will ask me to give him 30 eggs? I will have 20 eggs left.. well, that's not that bad".
Then, after walking some more, he thinks "What if the bear will ask me for 40 eggs? I will have 10 eggs left... Well, 10 eggs can satisfy my hunger..".
Then, he thinks "What if the bear will ask me to give him all 50 eggs?!" Right after that he arrives at the bear's house and tells him: "Leave me alone with your poacher, I don't need it!!" | Hope these are not posted yet, the thread is too big to check.
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop very high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just wandering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "Pretty high, unless somebody figures out to lock the gate at night!"
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
Two teachers, a physicist and a mathematician, were sitting in the
faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine sparked and caught on fire.
The physicist grabbed a bucket and leaped towards the sink, filled the
bucket with water and put out the fire.
Later that week the same two are siting in the lounge. Again, the coffee
machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, grabs a
bucket and hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem
to a previously solved one.
A kindergartern student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, "These aren't my boots." The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off.
The boy then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet. "Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"
The boy replied, "I stuffed them in my boots...." | This may have been already posted but this thread is too big to search :).
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear he's very busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." | Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR! | A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!" | | [Post deleted by moderator Arctic // ] | | The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" | This is a Riddle. PM me with answers.
There was a man. He was pushing his car. He soon reached a hotel and thats when he got to know he was bankrupt. Why? | | no suspense say the answer :p | | Well this man was playing monoply. He was pushing his car and reached the hotel square. He decided to buy it when he got to know he was bankrupt | for Dionysus:
Good one :D | A woman is driving on a highway for the first time.
Her husband calls and warns:-"Be careful love, it's just been on the radio that someone is driving wrong way on the highway...".
She replies:-"Someone...?" "These idiots are in hundreds". | | This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?' | hahaha
where do you get these from dionysus | -How do you call a group of 8 rabbits?
-Rabbyte.
-What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?
-Nobody knows.
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was arrested.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
We said good-bye and hung up.
A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did he play?" | | [Post deleted by moderator DEATHisNEAR // swearing] |
<<|<|27|28|29|30|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|>|>>Back to topics list
|
