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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" | Wondered ever?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? | A riddle for the day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )
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The answer is: "A Last Name."
Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here! | | lol good one speed.Esp. the last one.All the way it looked like a dirty one but in the end..lol XD | | Muaahaahaa! :D | I think I posted too many... :|
for sry:
Aajkal ke log... Galat soch!
(Sorry for a different language) | The rabbit enters the bar:
-Hey, who feels strong enough to fight?
The lion replies:
-Me!
Rabbit:
-Then come here. Now is there any other that thinks he's strong enough to fight?
Bear:
-Me!
-Then come here too.
Now who wants to fight us?
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Cannibals caught 3 people and told them to leave them for 24h and when they come back they should come with 10 fruits of one kind.
The first one goes and comes back with 10 apples. The cannibals tells him that he has to swallow 10 whole apples, one by one. If he can't resist or if he laughs, he will be eaten by the cannibals. So he swallows one, two, three, four.. but he can't take it anymore so he is eaten.
The next one comes back with 10 grapes. He is asked the same task, so he easily swallows one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.. but when it comes to swallow the tenth he starts laughing. The cannibals don't understand him why did he laugh when he had one more grape to swallow. The reply comes: -I saw the third man coming with watermelons!
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What is a runner for a cannibal?
-Fast food! | 3 brothers accuse Little John of stealing their cow. They go to a judge and tell him.
Eldest brother: If he stolen our cow, he has to be a mean guy.
Middle brother: If he is a mean guy, it means he has to be small.
Youngest brother: If he is a small guy, he is Little John.
The judge isn't too confident about their logic so he tests them. He brings them a cube box and asks them to guess what's inside it.
Eldest brother: If it's a cube box, there has to be something spherical inside.
Middle brother: If it's something spherical inside, it has to be an orange thing.
Youngest brother: If it's an orange thing, it has to be an orange.
And the judge tells Little John:
-Give them their cow back... | | *The last time Rajnikant killed someone, he slapped himself to do it. The other guy just disintegrated. Resonance.
*Rajnikant once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
*Rajnikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
*Rajnikant can run at speed of light around a tree and screw himself.
*Rajnikant can lick his elbows.
*Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
*Rajnikant does not get frostbite. Rajnikant bites frost.
*Rajnikant doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
*Rajnikant got his drivers license at the age of 16 seconds.
*When you say “no one is perfect”, Rajnikant takes this as a personal insult.
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajnikant could use to kill you, including the room itself.
*Words like awesomeness, brilliance, legendary etc. were added to the dictionary in the year 1986. That was the year Rajnikant was born.
*The statement "nobody can cheat death", is a personal insult to Rajnikant. Rajnikant cheats and fools death everyday.
*When Rajnikant is asked to kill some one he doesn't know, he shoots the bullet and directs it the day he finds out.
*Rajnikant can give pain to Painkillers and headache to Anacin.
*Rajnikant knows what women really want.
*Time and tide wait for Rajnikant.
*Rajnikant sneezed only once in his entire life, that's when the tsunami occurred in the Indian ocean.
*As a child when Rajnikant had dyslexia, he simply re-scripted the alphabet.
*Rajnikant collects Honey from his private Moon - HoneyMoon.
*Rajnikant can answer a missed call.
*Rajnikant doesn't need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Mumbai and holds himself | | Sorry for double post and posting with multi i forgot | | LoL XD ! Nice... | *Chuck Norris once met Rajnikant. The result - He was reduced to a joke on the internet.
Judging these jokes I guess they tied and were both reduced to jokes :P | Job Interview Quotations
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I get excited very easily.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. | Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' | OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE : MATRIC PASS
OFFICER : WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW
CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE. ...?
OFFICER : MP !!!
CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR..?
OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURED... ......... .....!!!!
YOU ARE FIT FOR MP!!!
CANDIDATE; WHAT IS IT SIR!!
OFFICER ; MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT !!! | 1) To find a woman, you need time and money,
so:
WOMAN = TIME X MONEY
2) But as time is money,
we have TIME = MONEY
3) So: Woman = Money x Money
WOMAN = (MONEY)*2
4) But, as money is the root of problems,
_________
we have: MONEY: ( V PROBLEMS )*2
5) ...So: WOMAN = PROBLEMS! | you guys missed out the classics.
Phil and Tom were out on safari hunting game. Just as they were heading back to camp they spot a lion in the distance.
They get excited and Tom creeps up on to the lion with a shotgun and takes aim.
Suddenly, without warning, the lion turns and savagely attacks him, wounding him severely, then runs off.
Tom is still breathing shallowly, and Phil dials 911.
Operator : ' This is 911, how can i help?'
Phil : ' My friend has just been attacked by a lion, and im not sure if he's still alive.'
Operator : ' Okay, now the first thing you need to do, is make sure that he's dead.'
Phil : 'Okay.'
(gunshot)
Phil : ' That's done! Now what?' | This joke is more like a short story, but its definitely worth every minute.
A young successful man wins the lottery and his first step was purchasing a ferrari. It is sleek and powerful, drawing adoring gazes from everyone on the street without fail.
He feels pretty good with himself, and says to himself contentedly : 'This ferrari is worth every cent i paid for.'
He eventually has to stop at a red light, and an old, sputtering jalopy, driven by an equally old, wrinkled tiny man pulls up beside him.
The young man catches the old man staring at the car. He smirks and says 'Like watcha see old man?'
The old man smiles and says ' Its definitely a beauty, but appearances may be deceiving, mind if i take a look inside?'
Annoyed at his prize possession being judged, the young man asks him to go ahead.
The old man leans across from his window and looks around the inside a little, all the time muttering a little under his breath. Finally, he sinks back into the seat of his old jalopy and gives the steering wheel a pat before saying ' That's a mighty fine ride, but i sure would take this old car any day before i would consider getting in that.'
At this point, the young man is considerably agitated and was about to give the old man a piece of his mind, but the light turned green and he thought to himself, 'I'll prove to him that this car is better than his!' He revs his engine, yelling ' Eat my dust, old man!' as he speeds off.
The speedometer shoots from 0-60 mph in a the matter of a few seconds, he checks his rear-view mirror and is pleased to see that the old man is no longer in sight. But wait, all of a sudden, he sees a tiny black dot, creeping up from a distance from his rear view mirror. Curious, he slows down a little bit to have a better look. To his surprise, it's the old man in his red jalopy, whizzing past him, seemingly effortlessly.
He is understandably stunned, but not to be outdone, he pushes the accelerator, and before long, hes caught up with the old man and overtaken him, the old red jalopy becoming a speck in the distance. At this point, the car is doing 120 mph, and the young man heaves a sigh of relief, 'There's no way the old piece of crap can catch up with this.'
But wait! He sees the black speck again on his rear view mirror, he doesn't slow down, but the old man shoots past him anyways, becoming a speck in the distance.
The young man is now in shock and he pushes the accelerator further down, eventually catching up with the old man and overtaking him. As the jalopy becomes smaller and smaller, becoming a tiny dot in his rear view mirror, he wipes the sweat off his brow and mutters 'I knew there was no way the old car could beat this new feat of engineering'
But just as he was getting comfortable, the old man comes whizzing past him, faster than ever before.
'THIS IS UTTER BULL****!' The young man screams to himself. This time, he pushes the accelerator to the maximum, the speedometer creeps up to 250, the engine is whirring loudly, the car is moving so fast that everything around him is a literal blur.
He sees the old man, overtakes him, and screams in triumph, believing nothing could ever top 250 mph, especially something that ridiculously old.
But just before he can finish celebrating, the speck appears on his rear view mirror again. This time he just shakes his head in disbelief, eyes wide open in awe as the old man comes whizzing past him, seemingly effortlessly, but strangely, with a look of sheer terror on his face. This was followed by a loud crash as the jalopy collided with a tree when the road was at a bend.
The young man hits the brakes and jumps out, trying to see if he can do anything to help. The old jalopy is in flaming pieces, with bits of the car scattered around the road. He hears a tiny cry from about 20 feet ahead in the bushes, and he rushes forward to find the old man, heavily injured.
Feeling guilty and stupid, the young man asks de | the young man adesperately asks the old man ' I am truly sorry for getting you into this fiasco, sir, is there anything, anything at all to make you feel better?'
The old man, in a strained voice through labored breathing, mutters ' Get... my... bloody.. suspenders... off... your... wing... mirror......' |
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