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| Author | Jokes !!! |
|---|
| 257 too good | there were 3 children playing in a park - mad, brain and lost ( names )
the child lost wasnt been found child brain went to toilet and mad went to report to the police that lost is lost.
mad : sir, lost is lost!
police : where is ur brain?? what do u mean???
mad : sir brain is in the toilet!
police : are u mad???!!!
mad: yes sir! how do u know?
XD | a boy studying in city college spent all his money on dating with many girlfriends.
so he decided to write to his father and ask him for money without telling him the reason where he spent all the months pocketmoney in just ten days.....
so he wrote ," dear dad.. no money, not funny. love sonny!!"
his smart father instead of sending the money wrote back ...
" dear sonny, too bad. very sad. love dad!!!!" | ok one more:
this one's for real....
terror english by our physical instructor in school : : :)
1.) why is there no wind in the football!!
2.) i talk , he talk, why u middle talk???
3.) open the window and let the atmosphere in.
4.) count the fingers on your toes.
5.) go and understand the tree.
6.) tommorow bring your parents with your mother and father!!
7.) boys go to left, girls go to right and rest follow me!!
8.)haircut not cut !!!! | | [Post deleted by moderator Kiz // Inappropriate message. Not funny either.] | | lol gildarius.... spoiling all the kids down here..... | 3 eagles were flying. The first one leaves and comes back with some blood on his face. The other two ask him:
-What did you do?
-Well, do you see that herd of sheeps?
-Yes...
-I killed a lot of them!
After some time the second one leaves and comes back with blood all over his face. The other eagles ask him:
-What did you do?
-Do you see that herd of cows?
-Yes, we do.
-I killed a lot of them!
Then the third one leaves and comes back with blood on his face and a few feathers missing. The other ones ask him:
-What did you do?
-Do you see that pillar over there?
-Well, yes..
-I didn't see it. | | hahahaha nice one TBI | Am man asks a lawyer friend:
-What can I do if I lent $30,000 and I can't find the loan document?
-Send him a message in which you ask for your $60,000 back.
-Ok, but I lent him only $30,000.
-This is what you need. A written proof that you lent him only $30,000.
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If a person helps the thief before he does the theft, it is called confederate and he has to pay for that.
If a person helps the thief after he does the theft, it is called lawyer and he is paid for that.
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At the same time, an atomic bomb is launched from Washington to Moscow and another one is launched from Moscow to Washington. The bombs are meeting on their way:
-Hello american bomb!
-Hello russian bomb!
-Let's drink something.
The russian bomb drinks vodka and the american bomb drinks whisky. The american bomb gets drunk.
The russian bomb tells the american one:
-Let me take you home!
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Disasters of humanity:
Hiroshima 45
Chernobyl 86
Windows 95 | A man walks into a shop:
-Do you have camouflage trousers?
-We do, but we can't find them.
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A man walks into a restaurant
- Ahrem bahra mahji Coca-cola.
- A big and cold glass of what?
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Recently a world-wide reportage has been made, by asking the question: "Please tell us your opinion about the deficiency of aliments in the rest of the world."
However, the reportage was unsuccessful.
-In Africa, people didn't know what does "aliments" mean.
-In West Europe, people didn't know what does "deficiency" mean.
-In East Europe, people didn't know what does "opinion" mean.
-In South America, people didn't know what does "please" mean.
-In U.S.A., people didn't know what "the rest of the world" mean. | | Nice one the last one :D | | All very funny TBI | the phone rings and the housekeeper picks it up. on the other end, the owner of the farm asks:
onwer: hi, just calling to see if everything's ok!
housekeeper: well...
owner: well what? something happened??
housekeeper: well, your parrot died.
owner: my parrot? damn, i paid a fortune for it! how did it die?
housekeeper: we're not sure, but maybe it ate rotten meat.
owner: rotten meat? why would someone feed him rotten meat?
housekeeper: noone, but maybe he fled on his own to feed off the dead horses.
owner: what dead horses??
housekeeper: your arabian stallions... they died of exhaustion.
owner: exhaustion? i don't understand... how could that happen?
housekeeper: well, they pulled the water wagon all night long...
owner: what water wagon?
housekeeper: the one we used to try and put the fire out.
owner: oh my god! there was a fire?
housekeeper: yes, one of the candles lit the drapes on fire...
owner: candles?? so the farm is without electricity?
housekeeper: yes it is, but it was a candle that fell during the funeral that started the fire.
owner: what funeral?
housekeeper: your mother's.
owner: my mother is... dead??
housekeeper: yea... you see, she dropped by without notice in the midle of the night and i shot her. i thought it was a thief... | -Waiter!
-Yes, sir.
-Could you please cook my chicken a bit more, because he is eating my salad.
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In a mall, a man walks to a barber accompanied by a boy. He is made the full treatment: haircut, wash, shave etc. - and he puts the boy on the chair, and then he tells the barber:
-I have to buy a tie. I'll be right back.
After the barber haircuts the boy and sees that the man doesn't come back, he tells the boy, joking:
-It seems like your father forgot you here.
And the boy replies:
-That was not my father. I was playing on here when he took me and told me "Let's haircut ourselves on free!"
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After a very bad day, nothing goes well to Santa Claus: 3 gnomes became ill, 5 reindeers got cold, he has no more drinks and his mother-in-law comes to visit him.
In the evening, an angel comes with a big Christmas tree:
-What can I do with this Christmas tree?
And after that moment there is the tradition with the angel put straight in the top of the Christmas tree.
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A german on the airport at Paris. The officer looks at his passport and asks him:
-Ocupation?
And the german replies:
-No, no... just visiting. | A mafioso finds that he has a mute intermediate in transactions steals money from him, so he gets a sign translator and asks him:
-Where are the billion dollars you stole from me?
-I don't know!
And the translator tells the mafioso what he said.
The mafioso takes his revolver, puts it on his intermediate's head and asks him again:
-Tell me where are my money!
The intermediate, scared:
-They're hidden in the garden behind my cousin's house from Florida.
And the translator tells the mafioso:
-He still says that he doesn't know and that you don't have guts to pull the trigger. | | Intelligent translator :D | Guys, please try to keep the jokes clean. Perverted jokes and innuendos have no place in the public forums, where underage gamers frequently post.
Come on, surely there are other funny jokes you can think of other than this. | An old women was driving in the city with 100 km/h and a policeman sees her and starts chasing her. She speeds up, passes on red colors, makes slalom through the other cars. The policeman follows her and, finally, he catches her because she had nowhere to run further.
Policeman: -Show me your driving license!
Old woman: -I'm sorry, I don't have one..
P: -...Then I want to see this car's documents.
OW: - I don't have them either, this car is stolen..
P: -I want to see your identity card immediately!
OW: - I have no identity card.
The policeman calls for help from his boss because he doesn't know who is he dealing with. The boss comes and tells the old women:
-I've heard you don't have an identity card.
OW: -Of course I have it (and gets it from her purse and shows it to the boss.
Boss: -Well, but do you have this car's documents?
OW: -Yes. (And gets them from the torpedo)
Boss: -..At least, do you have a driving license?
OW: -I do. (And shows them too.) That policeman is such a liar. Maybe he also told you I had driving with high speed through the city... | Who said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves...
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
CHARLOTTE: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
CHARLOTTE: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
CHARLOTTE: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands! | There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.
The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community." |
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