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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.” | In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used." | | There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night." | A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..." | A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." | At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'
'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair so she would look like a brunette. Once she was finished and her hair was brown, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" | ok no more blonde jokes
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fuking goofy!"
Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again." | | lmao | A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead.
The guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur> He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stiffens and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!” | | lol | Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a PJ so he gets angry and turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?! | boooooooooomm this thread up up and up again
dont let the momentum down | Timon: Pumbaa, how do you call a hyena with half a brain?
Pumbaa: It beats me, Timon, what?
Timon: Gifted | Three men A,B and C lived in Australia and they were poor so they had only some money to spend.So they bought a roast chicken and decided whoever dreams of the most distance traveled gets the chicken to eat.
C woke in midnight and ate the chicken.
The next day all the friends woke up and talked about their dreams.
A says that he had dreamed that he has gone to Germany
B says that he had dreamed that he had gone to America
A and B turn towards C and ask him what did he dream.
C says that he dreamed that A and B had gone to far that he thought they would not return and ate the chicken.
Replace A,B and C with names you like. | How do you hide an elephant?
Paint it's balls red and hide it in a cherry tree!!!
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree???
SEE!!! It really works!!!!
How did Tarzan die...??
PICKING CHERRIES!!!! | *Son in his room sitting before the PC,suddenly dad comes*
Dad:son,can I ask you a question?
Son:yeah sure dad.
Dad:whenever I come to your room why I always find you staring at the desktop? | for blazingarpit:
Son: Because you wouldn't love to see me staring at pr0n :D | What do you call a guy with a spade in his head?
DOUG!!
What do you call the same guy after the spade has been removed?
DOUGLAS!!
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
HOT CROSS BUNNIES!! | A man walks into a pub in a small town and buys a drink at the bar. He then sits down at the table and notices something a little peculiar going on.
Every now and then one of the other patrons stands up and says a number and everyone else bursts out laughing...
After a while his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks one of the other guys in the bar what is going on. The man explains that because it is such a small town, everyone has heard all of the jokes before. To make it easier and more efficient than saying the whole joke, each one has been assigned a number. When a person feels like telling a joke he simply stands up, says the number, everyone remembers the joke and has a good laugh.
His new friend then urges the man to tell a joke by picking a number between 1 and 400. The man then stands up and says in a loud voice "NUMBER #276!!!!"
This brings the house down!! Everyone falls about laughing and there are a number of patrons with tears of laughter running down their faces!!
The man is very pleased with himself, although he has absolutely no idea what joke he just told. He asks his friend what the joke was.
His friend replies, " It wasn't the joke, it was the way you told it!!!" | speed_dragon 276 2011-05-18 07:27:58
[>] [q]
Intelligent translator :D
joke no 276 |
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